#I’m whatever the woman version of twink is

[sparrow-the-tired-lesbian]

sometimes I think about joining a local sports team for fun then I remember that I am a theatre enthusiast who hates sports and has the reflexes of a block of velveeta cheese

[science-lings]

okay this has been going through my mind for days and I have to get my thoughts out before I explode

Disclaimer, this is not talking about a specific artist/person and would never condone or participate in anon hate or online bullying for any reason but especially this one. 

I get why people are mad about Link being portrayed as this buff, hypermasculine, tall guy. I am too (again don’t fucking attack people over it though) and it seems like such an infuriating way to change the character just to fit into some ideal of hypermasculine attractiveness or to make a ship fall into a more hetero lense by making him a decent foot taller than whatever girl he’s being paired with. 

The world of video games and action movies and every form of media ever is extremely saturated with male characters that are swole and manly and whatever other descriptors people are trying to push onto Link that don’t fit into his actual character. There are so many characters out there that already fit this male standard and having a clearly androgynous elf guy was like a breath of fresh air. 

Link was literally designed to be a character whose lines on gender were blurred, ‘a girl with a masculine touch or a guy with a feminine touch’ so that anyone could project themselves onto him. His physical design in botw/totk was specifically made to be feminine enough to wear a certain outfit to pass as a woman (which includes a nearly mandatory cutscene where he puts on the clothes and blushes after being called pretty, like you have to be blind to think that its an experience that he doesn’t like at all) and in totk there are a bunch of outfits made for Link that are blatantly gnc, ones that are practically dresses, include nail polish and lipstick, you can even dye his hair bright and vivid colors and that’s half way to giving him new pronouns. The whole reason Linkle isn’t included in more mainline loz games was because her existence would force Link into a gender dichotomy, if there's a clearly female version of the main hero, that means the main hero has to be a man, and they would rather abandon a potential reoccurring character than make Link conform to a gender binary. 

So pardon me when it feels disingenuous and even malicious for him to be morphed into these clear masculine ideals, where he towers over any female romantic partner (even when in canon he is regularly depicted as noticeably shorter than her) or even in m/m fanworks he’s really beefed up, perhaps to make the scene feel more gay or something. 

Perhaps it’s because his more twink-y/ femboy body type is so heavily sexualized (though obviously when people are sculping abs on him it’s totally not because they’re horny about it) and that’s an issue in itself that bothers me. But it’s just so tiring to see one of the very few popular main characters who is short and feminine and androgynous be molded into just another bland muscle-headed action hero over and over and over again. 

I’m not mad at the creators for portraying him differently than how I like him portrayed, I’m mad because we really do get so few characters like him in good popular media, and to be honest, I really like him the way that he is. I love that he’s tiny and has long hair and has the option to dress any way the player likes. It seems a little distasteful to make him taller than a female love interest just because that’s how straight couples have to be, there’s just never been a real straight couple where the guy is shorter than the girl, that’s just Impossible! (/s) 

[dichromaticdyke]

🗣 – What are your own personal HCs for HF!S and HM!T?

Also, what about the other girls? Murderface feels like another butch, almost try hardy, but I also see her as not having a label at all because she's trying to give herself as much as a chance to get laid by a pretty girl. Pickles feels more fem. Not Skwisgaar fem but definitely fem. She's a "Marlboro Reds and Whiskey" kind of gal, probably doesn't know the word shame. And Nathan, I feel like she's undecided, like she found an aesthetic that works for her but she wants to venture out but is too scared of being made fun of, so she's stuck in a comfortable place, but she wants to explore what else is out there.

ohhhhh my gosh so there’s a lot because. i have my own personal dykeklok headcanons, and this lipstick lesbian skwisgaar and hey mamas toki is kind of its own separate thing. i’ll put it all under the cut because there’s a LOT.

so in the hey mamas tokiverse that @god-impeaching-dj and i have been cooking, i’ve actually been imagining skwisgaar and toki as the only lesbians in the group. the rest of the band are men and they don’t know if whatever the fuck skwistok has going on is a lesbian thing or a scandinavian thing. toki calls skwisgaar her princess and skwisgaar calls toki her daddy because OF course they would, head in hands. we’ve narrowed down their aesthetics pretty well, skwis is kind of pastel goth inspired, she wears pink and black nails, she has heart-shaped nipple piercings, everything!! toki is. basketball shorts. grey sweatpants. sports bra. snapback. she still has her mustache though!!! and kandi has been using rhea ripley as a body ref for their art of toki 😍😍. they’re the worst most annoying tiktok lesbian couple of all time, totally cringe.

as for my dykeklok headcanons, they’re COMPLETELY different. i have them all written up somewhere, but i don’t wanna find them lmfao. the long and short of it is that in my dykeklok/dragklok universe (which is the universe i wrote in for dethentine’s wheeeeee), they’re all lesbians but they perform and make public appearances in drag as drag kings. but that’s a secret to the public!!! they do it because misogyny in the metal community RIP. but also then no one will recognize them when they’re just at food libraries or whatever. and i refer to them like this:

Natalie Explosion (transmasc, she/they/he, order of preference)

Pickles the Drummer (transmasc, he/she, no preference)

Wilamina Murderface (transfem, she/her/doesn’t care)

Skwisgaar Skwigelf (transmasc, any/all)

Toki Wartooth (transfem, he/she/they, order of preference)

nat started speaking in a death growl to avoid being clocked for her voice. pickles thought she was a trans man in the snb days but detransitioned just a bit afterwards (still kept the goatee). murderface didn’t figure out she was a trans woman for a while because she didn’t know you could be trans AND gay. skwisgaar is queen of the butch who gets mistaken for a twink by gay guys. toki went on E just to get top surgery. a lot of these are inspired by lesbians i’ve known in some way or another ✨ love the lesbian experience. and yknow it’s definitely hard for me to pin them down as butch or femme. because the butch/femme experience is SO unique and SO important to a lot of people (myself included) but it’s also not the only way to be a lesbian. there’s a reason that in the hey mamas tokiverse, i refer to skwisgaar as a lipstick lesbian and pillow princess instead of high femme. i reblogged a poem about the difference between the a lipstick lesbian and a femme lesbian at some point, it’s in my femme tag (as a butch i don’t feel totally comfortable trying to explain it, i’ll let the femmes speak for themselves 🩷). i do think they could all be different flavors of butch or masc though, even skwisgaar. i’d just really have to think about it and try to nail down my designs (I DON’T DRAW BUT I’M TRYING).

oh i forgot, every version of lesbian skwisgaar has a double venus tattoo on her hip. and her favorite thing to say is “don’ts dies wonderinks”. GOD. 🥰🥰🥰

[double-yellows]

Good morning y’all. I was trying to find an F1-themed gift for my MV33-loving cousin to make up for the fact that I bought him a Ferrari hat to grind his gears (I eventually decided his preferred driver winning the championship was gift enough, and also some nice chocolate), and came across some truly unhinged things along the way. Enough that I was inspired to make this, in case you need to find any last-minute gifts for your mutuals and/or haters:

First, a Candle with a Grim Warning…

I bet George is a man who smells great, as long as he didn’t just get out of an F1 car. Maybe even then! It might be all the money, but who knows, maybe he was born with it. The nice thing about this candle is that YOU can choose whatever you think George Russell smells like. Cashmere and Vanilla? Oatmilk and Honey? Sea Salt and Orchid? I might go Cocoa Butter and Cashmere, since I bet his girlfriend forces him to moisturize regularly. If you think George Russell smells like an old sweater or your Republican ex-boyfriend or something, you can also choose from Kmag, Pierre, Este, Valtteri, and a few other drivers (no Lewis, which is, tbh, anti-Lo-core).

For the One Who’s Always Cold

Frankly, who didn’t look at Lewis Hamilton wrapped up in a cozy tire blanket at Imola in 2021 and think “ugh, I wish that were me”? Now, that can be you or your chilly pal, sort of. If you’d prefer a longer-lasting tire blanket, there’s also a mediums version.

For the One Who Desperately Wants to Snack on a Pirelli

Yea, they’re made of fondant, but honestly? That probably captures the texture of a soft tire pretty well. You could also bake them some more edible tire-shaped cookies in case they take one bite of fondant and throw the entire tire allocation for the weekend in the garbage (lowkey I’m about to buy those for myself).

For the One Who’s Got a Twink Menagerie

They’ve got a lot of those little bastards to wrangle, so when it’s time to go to the supermarket for snacks and energy drinks, they need something to keep their charges from wandering out into the parking lot or getting stuck in the ice cream freezer. Zak Brown approved!

For the One Who Collects Diecast Models

Sure, the scale model cars look nice on the shelf, but YAWN, boring! Encourage them to recreate their favorite overtakes while making vroom vroom noises. Make sure you bring them a choccy milk after.

For the Sebfucker Who Has Everything

Sure, they may have a cool bee shirt, ugly-cute AMF1 bobble beanie, and a soulcrushing longing to see Seb race at Hockenheim one more time, but do they have 2013 Seb bowing down to the car on a pair of kicks, in his favorite color? No, they do not. Kinda like the man himself, these are equal parts cringe and sexy.

For the One Who’s Not Like Other Girls (Because She’s a Car)

“Muscle car woman drag racing” the listing says - What else do you need to know? Throw her car-sona on it and call it a day.

For the One Who Spent So Much Time Karting that They Almost Forgot to Learn How to Read

Because they have their priorities straight, and a strong command of English’s (often befuddling) grammar is definitely below getting that personal best lap time down a couple more hundredths of a second.

Finally, For Your Favorite Driver

They’re your babygirl, even the ones that are middle aged men (ESPECIALLY those ones). Make them announce it to the world proudly and bejeweledly.

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

Responses from the Opera Screencaps Captioning Quiz

Hello, everyone, and thank you for taking my quiz! I had SO MUCH fun reading your captions-- there were several times I literally started crying from laughing so hard at the amazingness of your work! With that in mind, the captions (which I will continue to add onto as more people take it):

(also, thank you to @dichterfuerstin​ for translating the German captions I got)

originally taken from: the Wiener Staatsoper’s 2020 production of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s Die Entführung aus dem Serail, featuring Regula Mühlemann (center) as Blonde, Michael Laurenz (right) as Pedrillo, and an unnamed extra (left) as the Grim Reaper

Responses:

(Backstage warm-up) “ok so someone dropped the pulse”

me and my friends watching the fire burn after doing arson

Introducing the polycule to the parents

*boom* ... did...you guys hear that too?

Ma Signor !

Knight in whinging armour gone wrong, look at how he holds the egg. Polyamory with weird knight and death.

the father, son and the holy ghost are very gay

the gays meeting for brunch, 2021, colorized

chicken lady forces death and a very flamboyantly homosexual anthropomorphized pink bird to be parents of her egg (they dont want to be)

That’s just me and my friends on our night out (before covid rip)-- closest

A Good Friday night

good omens (2019)

["the pocket guide to boy/girl/mischief" meme] who's the boy and who's the mischief though????

Papageno and Papagena take their first-born egg trick-or-treating

Angry Birds - The Musical. A pig stole an egg and the bird unites with death to take revenge.

I love my bird wife

Someone got murdered during the funky chicken dance

throuple murders child and steals sibling of said child

When you and your friends have widely different tastes in literature

angel leading twink to his rightful place (hell)

draco malfoy from a very potter musical and a death eater are very much in the wrong show

What have I gotten myself into

Mlm/wlw solidarity but I’m not telling who is who

A woman stands with a pink dipshit with an egg and a reaper.

A bird-couple makes a pact with Death, sacrificing their first-born bird-child in order to bring good luck upon their unborn bird-baby

There are three types of people on Halloween:

Uh oh, I don’t think the mother hen is very happy about this...

oh god, they’ve invented seussical. It’s too early!

gay brunch

Three little maids from school are we

guys maybe if we dress gay enough we can distract everyone from the dead flapper bee in the back

those three killed a duck for her egg and are facing the conswquences.

Duck has egg with human, shocked and upset due to biological impossibility

When you bout to make a banging omelet so you invite your fellow queers

"No mortal man could pass that egg, but heaven shall repair your rectum."

originally taken from: the Salzburg Festival’s 2007 production of Hector Berlioz’s Benvenuto Cellini, featuring Maija Kovalevska (left) as Teresa Balducci, Laurent Naouri (center, in chimney) as Fieramosca, and Burkhard Fritz (right) as Benvenuto Cellini

Responses:

“In this same interlude it doth befall That I, one Snout by name, present a wall; And such a wall, as I would have you think, That had in it a crannied hole or chink, Through which the lovers, Pyramus and Thisby, Did whisper often very secretly. This loam, this rough-cast and this stone doth show That I am that same wall; the truth is so: And this the cranny is, right and sinister, Through which the fearful lovers are to whisper.” - a midsummer night’s dream, act v scene 1

"ah yes a prime specimen. see here, right in this box is our one of a kind hob goblin that can be all yours for the low low price of your soul"

what, YOU don't have a special eavesdropping chimney window?

Hänsel und Gretel plotting against the witch

man takes a wrong turn and ends up in a chimney, catches his girlfriend cheating-- closest

when you end up third wheeling the straight couple

lady cheats on her leather jacket wearing scummy boyfriend and when he unexpectedly comes home she hides the lover in the chimney

A straight girl and her gay best friend gossip about stuff idk

Idk Shakespeare?

experimental couples therapy feat. the chimney mf from mary poppins

Area Couple Inadvertently Traps Santa-in-Training in Chimney as they Attempt Rooftop Flirting

Landlords laugh over student renter's misfortune

I never asked for this

Ay yo lil mama lemme whisper in your ear

voyeurist listens to sandy and Danny from grease

Psssst! Did you hear about Susan? You won’t believe it!

lady and the tramp meets beauty and the beast?

human trafficking

And for just $30 you too could have your own tiny brick cage!

Psst I’m wearing assless chaps under this dress

A couple tortures a man in a box.

It's all fun and games being stuck in a chimney until your greasy uncle steals your crush from right above you-- okay ngl this could actually be a great Don Pasquale concept

Taking eavesdropping to the next level

Will you two stop being lovey dovey and let me out? SUMMER LOVIN, HAPPENED SO FAST— 

overhearing how people talk about you when they think they're alone puts you in the shithouse 

Does he know we can see him?

dear god, i am so fucking hungry, yall please just do whatever heterosexuals do so i can go eat a popsicle 

the human version of the trash man from sesame street is realizing that those two are going to fuck on his trash can 

Tmw you capture an angry short dude and start trashtalking him where he can hear 

Omg what if we kissed but we actually kissed the lil goblin man under us

"Remember, don't feed him after midnight"

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2017 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Le prophète, featuring Leonardo Estevez (right, on fake horse) as Le Comte d’Oberthal

Responses:

“When I said we needed to drain the swamp I didn’t think there were people actually living there”

horse? what horse? no sir i dont know what horse youre referring to.

definitely don't have a napoleon complex going on

King stole La Scala‘s Lohengrin set

king breaks all his horses, has to use statue dragged by servants as transportation because he’s too kingly too walk

Emperor Söder and his subjects on a carnival procession

man on horse makes a big deal out of being on a horse

That’s not Zeffirelli because the horse is not alive

Who the fuck put a horse on the stage

isn't this that picture of napoleon on the horse

Area Count Thinks Citizens will be Intimidated by his Extremely Fake-looking Horse Statue-- closest

Everyone wants their turn on the giant plaster horse. Police are there to make sure everyone waits their turn.

Night out with the lads

Local royalty horrified at the state of his own damn kingdom

gay army fights different gay aesthetics-- hi author how does it feel to be the funniest fucking person on this quiz

Well at least I LOOK badass

ceasar if he hadn't gotten stabbed (colourised)

some soldiers jumped out of my kindergarten fairytale collection book to burn the don carlos flemish deputies at the stake

It’s just a model

Is that how you feel pulling up in your Honda Civic, Madge?

Someone rides a horse statue in public.

Just a normal party with the bros.

what is this, some kind of crossover episode? 

Terribly sorry for all the fuss, it’s just, that is, my horse is afraid of neck ruffles. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he’s—whoaaa there—he said he was a french courtier in a past life and he’s allergic to English fashion 

Horse seller, listen to me! I am riding into battle. I need your strongest horse. - We have horses at home. - The horses at home: 

All hail Incitatus the king 

we are not ripping off shakespeare’s henry viii. what the fuck. this is about lenny xi you uncultured swine, go drown in a pit of your own farts 

oh god is that hamilton 

Guy Removed From Art Museum For Sitting On Statue, more at eleven 

Gay <3

Officer: This horse... is a virgin! Crowd: *cheers*

originally taken from: the Parma Verdi Festival’s 2017 staging of Giuseppe Verdi’s Stiffelio, featuring Maria Katzarava (left) as Lina and Luciano Ganci (right) as Stiffelio

Responses:

That One kid in class

its a mEntAL BreAkDowN *final countdown but kazoo*

*record scratch* yeah, that's me. you're probably wondering how I got here-- closest

Dad keeps monologuing, teenager is done

left: all of my concerned friends, right: my emo ass having a very public mental breakdown

the demons in the corner of my room when im just trying to sleep

lady gets mansplained to (do i need to say more, we've all been there)

It’s probably an area baritone telling off an area soprano-- sorry; it’s a tenor. soprano is right though.

That was a fake horse in the last photo right?

child comes out as gay to father at a particularly bad time

dissociation solves everything

I can't believe it's not butter

Honey we talked about this

My sleep paralysis demon is Crowley from supernatural

child has nightmare of boring job

When you start dating a singer but he won’t stop practicing at night

just an average day in a hetero marriage

what do i do my wife's having period cramps again

Stop having an existential crisis. It’s time to sing!

“No son of mine will kin Gomez Addams under MY roof”

Crowley stares into space while a teen has post nut clarity.

When he wont stop reciting jordan peterson monologues!!

Do you realize how effed you are?

Ugh, not this lecture again! Dad’s Practicing For His Experimental Indie Band Again 

asking your parents for help with your own personal situation and them just ranting off about what they went through instead of helping in any way 

Will he shut up already!

no one tell him he’s yelling in the wrong direction, no one tell him plnsbdjddhdj 

this kid is tired of his dad listening to rush limbaugh (a man who claimed to be pro life but died anyway) 

Me internally vs externally 

Daddy issues

originally taken from: the Grand Théâtre de Genève’s 2020 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Les Huguenots, featuring several chorus members

Responses:

It’s the deadly eye Of Poogley-pie. Look away, look away, As you walk by, ‘Cause whoever looks right at it Surely will die. It’s a good thing you didn’t … You did? … Good-bye. - shel Silverstein

why the fuckith? my good sir, i beg of you to put your pants back on

I hate this itchy hat

Titanic Extras hear that they have to do extra hours

people waiting to board the titanic watch someone fall off the plank

pov: you’re a time traveler

guy in the flatcap is embarrassed by patriotism and pathos

No idea. For some reason Le Marseillaise comes to mind

Is this from Harry Potter?

disneyland main street usa workers on strike

local tries to hide behind Newsies cap to avoid unpleasant but inevitable conversations. meanwhile, some very fashionable ladies look on.

"Thank fuck, 2020 was just a dream after all"

“We gather here today because this bitch got exactly what she deserved” “heaven!” “Stfu Stephanie she’s going to hell and we all know it”-- not quite but this basically happens later on in the opera (and act) so yeah (except the person in question very much Did Not Deserve It)

dc movie filter on bridgerton

america?

looks like my history teacher paused the prohibition documentary again

Who still wears page boy hats bro?

Coming out to a room of people who Already Knew That

Bitches are relieved at some party.

Several drunk people exiting getting off the subway attempting to seem sober and rational but realizing they have somehow lost all of their possessions

How tf do I act natural in this situation-- closest

“do you think any of them noticed that I don’t know the pledge of allegiance” 

It's too fucking hot outside for this outfit 

?

when hyyh yoonkook ending just hits different 

pedestrians watch in horror as the triangle shirtwaist factory burns and the workers throw themselves out of the windows from a dozen stories up 

Starting the pledge of allegiance be like 

He's having a heart attack oh no oh god oh fuck

originally taken from: if I remember correctly, the Semperoper Dresden’s 2018 semi-staging of Johann Strauss II’s Die Fledermaus, with Jonas Kaufmann as Gabriel von Eisenstein

Responses:

“William Shakespeare wrote: "To thine own self be true And it must follow, as the night the day Thou canst not then be false to any man" I believe this wise statement best applies to a woman A blonde woman Over the past three years she taught me And showed us all That being true to yourself never goes out of style Ladies and gentlemen Our valedictorian: Elle Woods!” - legally blonde the musical

eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs

woooooorrrrd

Finally Jonas has graduated! It’s about time, considering he’s an international star.

what my professors think they look like

Prof. Dr. Dr. When someone tells him there are more than two genders

'and since you've now graduated high school, you'll be entering college etc. blablabla' .........meanwhile, there's a whole row of graduates daring each other to chug the cheap vodka one of them has brought in gallons (yes that happened at my graduation, lol)

Jonas darling baby <3-- can’t argue with that

I just realized I have no idea what the actual fuck happens in an opera

ok this one is just what jonas kaufmann always wears you can't fool me.

"as valedictorian i will share with you the importance of loving the floor"

"Yes, mother, my art degree will make me money!"

Graduation speakers are out, singers are in

Senior year takes a new meaninbg

mansplainer professor explains the concept of feminism to women

Your Prof when you finally turn in that missing assignment be like

younger boris johnson (derogatory)

jonas kaufmann retires from opera and takes up motivational speaking

What a fine graduation evening we’re having today

-70 points for slytherin you all have no swag

A man with a college hat sings.

An obviously greying actor trying to play a university student in a low-budget porn parody

How it feels to graduate high school after being held back for years

East High is a place where teachers encouraged us to break the status quo and define ourselves as we choose. Where a jock can cook up a mean crème brûlée, and a brainiac can break it down on the dance floor-

I may not have been "cool" in high school, but in ten years you will all be working for me!

I finally got my GED!

that one guy in ur intro to cultural anthropology class who mansplains to the professor somehow fucking graduated

he;s just graduating and taking his speech too serously idk

Graduation speeches with that one dude who got held back 3 times

Smrt

originally taken from: the Metropolitan Opera’s 2011 staging of Gioachino Rossini’s Le Comte Ory with Joyce DiDonato (left) as Isolier, Diana Damrau (center) as Countess Adèle, and Juan Diego Florez (right) as Le Comte Ory (disguised as a hermit)

Responses:

There is something very [disturbing grunts] About polyamorous couples - polyamorous, Chris Fleming

jinkies

femme fatale (including to herself)

I’ll have a threesome soon !

Hot guy walks by, everyone swoons.

thirdwheeling friend does not realize the other two are having sex

When your girlfriend had „just two beers“ again

jesus is exasperated about having to drag the two ladies towards doing what he needs them to do instead of purple dramatically declaring suicidal intent over the smallest trivial matters and red being equally dramatic about declaring that it's not the way! stay alive! i love you!!

The throuple is thriving

Get off the milf

orgy

my last three braincells because im a horny slut

countess receives too much love and is confused on how to react

Rasputin's lesser known romp with a much older czarina of russia

Woman's soul leaves body

Jesus and co. are worried after another woman gets pregnant without having sex

bisexual looks at photos of celebrity couples

When you go to the party to socialize with new people but your weirdo friend group starts getting clingy

Jesus cumming

one of those weird church christmas pageants but everybody's drunk

What have I done

Hozier??????????

Jesus assfucks some purple lady being hugged.

This time, the chick IS the magnet

An affair/threesome gone awry (2019 colorized)

What do you mean they canceled GLOW?

“I TOLD you it was cashmere!”

Are you wearing the - - The Gucci dress? Yes I am.

It's not what it looks like!

jesus is fucking that one cheerleader who grew up to be a suburban mom with one (1) super cool dress she stole from her kid who is desperately hugging her middle begging for it back because the spring fling is coming up and jason might actually make eye contact with her for more than three seconds.

jesus and mary magdaline and some other bitch

I’m at a bar and these drunk girls are flirting with me, do I lOOK GAY?!

Shrek 5, jesus's return

c. 2025 First attempt of an Officer and his Wife with a Handmaiden (colourized)

just about all of these are close lol

originally taken from: the Bolshoi Theater’s 1993 staging of Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s The Maid of Orléans, featuring Nina Rautio (left) as Joan of Arc and Vyacheslav Pochapsky (right) as Thibaut d’Arc

Responses:

Don’t look, I’m still pooping

yall, the audacity of this man. he fuckin talked to me

*i can't even tell you how wrong you are* *it would be insulting to ME*-- closest

Cospeto!

„No I’m not talking to you, you keep cracking bad jokes!“ - „But I got another!“

when you’re mad at him but he says he’ll buy you food if you cheer up

When I’m wallowing in self-pity but my friends won’t comfort me

right: wanna fuck ;) left: yeah, fuck OFF lmao

Her face is screaming “don’t tell me what to do”

Yeah I got nothing

gay man tries to hit on a lesbian bc he thinks she's a twink. she's not amused but she's watching this happen anyway

me tired of MET's bullshit and them organising a Netrebko, known blackface apologist, a recital during Black History Month. (sorry im still fucking salty lol)

"stop smiling at me like that I'm trying to pout over here"

"I got fleas, you got fleas... wanna fuck?"

I have the best idea!

Haha nooooo don’t hit me with that bat you’re so sexxyy

lesbian is bothered by dilf

Me trying to flirt

if call me by your name was hetero and set in america

how many more dad jokes can i take before i explode

So. You’ve gotten yourself in a little pickle again.

What if we fought in the Russian revolution together ✨???????... unless??

Two people flirt in a poor place of town/

"If you ask me what I've got under this dirty, shapeless tunic one more time I swear to god I will kick your rotting teeth in"

You look like ur gonna kill me but ok

Really? You again?

Okay, I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes, do you think it’s safe to—oh god, he’s still there.

Have you seen Godot?

she is tired of everyone’s shit. she has done so many derivatives it physically pains her to see a variable. dont test her. ur icarus rn.

idk pick better pictures-- I HAVE DIED THE SHEER AUDACITY AND HUBRIS I LOVE THIS

200% done with your crap 

Homeless man has fucking legs of steel n is gonna show off his Russian dance moves

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2019 staging of Paul Dukas’ Ariane et Barbe-bleue, featuring Sophie Koch (right) as Ariane and I don’t remember who the person on the left is rip me

Responses:

The knight who wore this into battle sure was swaggy

dear god its hiddeous

Capitalism

Knight in shining armour gone even more wrong.

ghost contemplates the safety of spiky motorcycle helmet

„Stop! He feels bullied!“

'this is my newest take for jesus's crucifixion crown ...... what do you mean they already put him up'

That’s probably a really expensive magic helmet idk. IDK-- closest

Omg I love the adventure zone!

minesweeper (windows xp)

"Okay whatever you do don't touch the shiny spiky ball" "It's so shiny I wanna touch it"

Taking down the trash way too late

IT'S NOT A PHASE MOM

Darth Vader got stuck in the freezer.... again. Leia isn’t happy

Star Wars 2030

“And here is the very latest in motorcycle helmet trends” “Look, I only came to the mall for a pair of socks “

futuristic kkk

long-suffering jewelry store attendant really wants to retire

Put it down put it down put it down

“Hmm no you should see a doctor about that”

A weird ass crown is presented

The creation of sars-cov-2: an experimental Eurotrance nightclub art piece gone horribly wrong

How it feels to want something that u cant have

AND WE WILL CALL IT—SPIKE MAN actually do you think that’s too obvious?? Because of the—yeah, because of the spikes?? See, that’s what I’m worried about. I want it to be SCARY

I know it's risky but... lube me up

?

use the force luke.

that is a weird fleshlight

When you get an ugly gift and need to find a way to get rid of it, so your family member/friend offers to smash it

Touch the orb

originally taken from: the Opera Vlaanderen’s 2019 staging of Fromental Halévy’s La Juive, with Nicole Chevalier (left, with bottle) as Princess Eudoxie, Enea Scala (center, under table) as Prince Léopold, and Roy Cornelius Smith (right) as Éléazar

Responses:

When no one comes to your birthday party :(

fantastic, day 487 of mischief and they have yet to find my masterful hiding spot

i really wonder who he thinks he's playing footsie with

Marriage crisis. Reason sits under the table-- closest but not in the way you think (after all, the man under the table IS a tenor).

the last supper afterparty after jesus left

When you order the last supper on wish

espionage at the Politischer Rosenmontag

Probably the wrong opera but is that Leporello under the table

Now THIS is a Good Friday night

this was every birthday party i went to between the ages of 5 and 11

that awkward moment when you drop your fork under the table but when you re-emerge everyone else has left except one drunk lady and the guy trying to deal with her

After the last supper

Tfw you arrive to the dinner party too early and have to hide until a more fashionable hour

When the cishets aren’t home

waiter hides from customers

Nobody: My dog every time I’m eating:

what's left of the homies Jesus had dinner with

university chem lab experiment gone terribly wrong

I’ve been under the table FOR 30 MINUTES

Set your friends up by tossing them off under the table, they’ll think it’s each other n fall in luv

Someone hids under a table

"You're about to see an surreptitious-under-the-table-dick-sucking master at work"

5 yr old me trying to eat the desert under the table without my parents finding out be like:

They never invite me to their parties!

Just another girl’s night in

Oops! Didn’t notice you the table.

dionysus - bts (2019, colorized)

just a normal episode of eric andre (eric is the one under the table)

Just a normal day with the boys

Thievery

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2017 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Le prophète, featuring Kate Aldrich (left, surrounded by women in white) as Fidès and John Osborn (center, looking like a Jesus doppelganger) as Jean de Leyde

Responses:

Hold up, is that Eggman above Jesus?

holy disco

Looks like Tannhäuser. Our lord and saviour Richard Wagner. Now I need to be saved from that.

catholicism

me defending pineapple on pizza (THANK YOU)

jesus but hes about to be abducted by the alien ufo above him

Emmmmmmm Heaven? Idk

Lord of the rings?

ewww christianity gross

"behold, I am Important"

"Seriously?? It's not ACTUALLY pyjama day? Fuck you guys!"

Jesus at the Disco

Jesus Finds The Molerat People Who Live Under Bethlehem

disco is heaven

Want to join my new religion?

the kkk

church christmas pageant where everyone's sober but it's based on the director's fever dream

Am I the only one who sees the giant demon? Just me? Okay...

“Oh god I think I’m starting my period”

A party is held with a priest in the middle

"Let's get this secret Vatican sex party rolling!"

The new avengers endgame set is looking great!!

You know, guys, I try not to be a bother but...I can’t help but feel like I missed a dress code memo for this wedding??? It’s cocktail, right??”

Jesus visits Hogwarts

I must really stink if no one will even come close to me

the extra ass funeral i DESERVE

star wars life day

A cult at it’s best-- closest

Shrek 5, Jesus is still there I guess

originally taken from: the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden’s 2013 staging of Giuseppe Verdi’s Les vêpres siciliennes, featuring Bryan Hymel (left, standing) as Henri, Lianna Haroutounian (center, kneeling in the black gown) as Duchess Hélène, and Erwin Schrott (kneeling to her right) as Jean Procida

Responses:

When the director’s like “great rehearsal guys, just a few notes before I let you go” but it’s already 9:13 and your mom’s waiting in the parking lot

loyalist of subjects

bow before your queen

They forgot to take down the stage boxes after the Vienna opera ball but the show must go on.

somebody forgot to book chairs for this funeral

Me sharing God’s (Hayley koyoko) word on the discord server

mass execution bc the oboe solo sucked ass-- closest

That’s too many black suits I can’t see shit

I can’t even tell what’s going on here

8th grade school assembly about how it's uncool to shit on the walls at school

let's all get fancy so we can go to the opera and sit on the stage (idk this one's hard lol)

"Yes i am a time traveller, now don't freak out"

Tfw you forget to pay your lighting bills

White guys make decisions that will benefit them and screw someone that’s not a white guy over-- OUCH but that is too real (although not really in context here)

dead man gives speech at his own funeral

brotus and the boys ??? last meeting before the stabbing

high society social function ends in mass murder-- right opera, wrong scene

Someone walks into the talent show stage with a dog

Black-dressed bitches worship a man.

Worst school assembly of all time

POV:You're the window in the classroom and someone said "its snowing"

When the conductor shows up fashionably late to the orchestra concert

That's what you get for choosing the cheapest ticket option, get back in the mud where you belong

?

theyre just trying to jump into a grave at a funeral leabe them alone this is normal

oh my god he really whipped his dick out in front of everyone, this is just like in 1776 guys, except some women are actually in the room this time,

A funeral, stop wearing so much black

I want to slap their bald heads like rice

originally taken from: the Teatro Real Madrid’s 2018 staging of Gaetano Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor, featuring Roberto Tagliavini (right) as Raimondo

Responses:

Crowd “haha!! Looks like someone missed the all-black memo!! Now it’s laugh-in-your-face time! / Guy on the floor (whispering to guy against wall): go, save yourself! I’ll hold them off...”

if i leave now i wont be a witness and can tell the police i had no idea

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Guy in the back pretends to help but is to far away to even know what’s going on.

priest walks in on beginning of an orgy, contemplated joining but is too scared-

when someone brings up capitalism but you’re just trying to play minecraft

lol lets trample this guy while the judge isnt looking

Again. Too many black costumes

Loved this Dostoevsky novel

i would know if opera directors were more creative with clothing choices ngl

me on parties lol

"imma just sneak out of here while everyone else is distracted"

"Where did he get this flooring!? Amazing!"

Everyone act normal!

The tell tale heart but they got REALLY drunk

man tposes to ward off vampires after being caught undercover

boys ???? night

the priest really shouldn't have visited the insane asylum-- closest

He’s FINE everyone’s been hit by a car before

Something happens in a room.

Perks of being a wallflower

There's always that one person in the fight whos trying not to get involved when they really wanna

Oh good, they’re all posing for a Rembrandt painting, I can just sneeeeaaak out the back here...

The gamer livestreaming Resident Evil + everyone watching the stream ? waiting for him to open the door just knowing it will trigger a chase scene

Quick!

the guy t posing in the back is regretting his every decision.-- also accurate

the us senate jumps ted cruz, some other wack ass gop senator is trying to sneak away

...I spoke too soon, however this is a James Bond mission

Queers help fellow queer do math but it's a struggle

[floatingcatacombs]

Studio Trigger’s Best Anime

12 Days of Aniblogging 2021, Day 2

Studio Trigger is a weird place. Proudly carrying the torch of Gainax, they focus on original projects with a flair for over-the-top stories matched with excellent stylized animation. We could talk about The Promare Twink, or the studio’s tendency to recycle the same third-act-bullshit plot structure over and over again, or *insert Kill la Kill discourse here*, but for this blog post I wanted to show off one of the weirdest and most unique series in their back catalogue: the impeccable Turning Girls.

Trigger started gaining real notice following the release of Kill la Kill in late 2013, but they put out two short zero-budget net series before it. The first is Inferno Cop, which should need no introduction. The second, Turning Girls, has always languished in obscurity. It is the product of Trigger rounding up all their non-animator female staff and asking them to make an anime, just to see what would happen. If interviews are to be trusted, each episode was made in a matter of hours. And against all odds, the result was something great.

Turning Girls is a semi-autobiographical anime about the trials and tribulations of four office ladies on the precipice of entering their thirties. Each woman has her own quirks and gets an episode or two focusing on them. They’re genuine and believable characters, even when shown at their most extreme for laughs. Frequent topics of the show include trying to find guys, having weird hobbies, and backstabbing your friends for kicks. The whole thing really does feel like outsider art, from the simplistic drawings to the PowerPoint-style animation. It adds up to have a real earnestness from a perspective you don’t see very often in anime, both on-screen and in the writer’s room. A lot of Trigger’s works can be reduced to “the ridiculous stories kids make up while smashing action figures together, but an anime”, but when they break that mold and create shows with a feminine touch, the results stand out.

Kaerun is of course the girl who steals the show. A janitor by day, wannabe idol by night, she’s Turning Girls’ greatest agent of chaos. Her Niconico livestreaming episode is a standout, with the fansubbers at Commie performing an incredible feat by subbing every single line of scrolling danmu comments. I hope the real woman behind Kaerun got to follow her dreams.

There’s not much more I can say about Turning Girls without just spelling the whole thing out. It’s funny, it’s sincere, and even when it has misses, each episode is only 5-6 minutes so you’re spending a little over half an hour in all. I rewatch it at least once a year and I’m willing to go to bat for it somehow being one of Trigger’s best. Give it a shot! It’s all free on Youtube but you should really grab the Commie-fansubbed version off of nyaa instead for the Niconico episode alone.

Also the end credits use the same font as the Paper Mario games for whatever reason, and I have to let that trivia fact out somewhere.

[hoodoobarbie]

gurl not me getting into it with a washed up wrinkled twink @ work who’s mad because I’m more popular than him and I got promoted.

First of all honey, some fucking retinol for the eye bags 💼 and a proper skin care routine.

this ridiculous bottom was literally TWEAKING on that ❄️ & had the nerve to catch an attitude w me. That whole mean girls attitude can stay in the fucking 2000’s.

I’m not the head hauncho, even though I formed a crew and now everyone is popular. Every girl has explicitly been told, that I am not their leader and that I see as all of us as queens in this group. No one leads, we ALL channel, we form a circle, the energy never stops. I’m not interested in being Regina George. I’m more interested in being surrounded by strong, powerful and beautiful women. Everyone brings a power to the table in their own right.

You can tell he’s used to being the center of attention and can’t for the life him, understand why his white priveleges aren’t working for him.

A deceitful little snake.

He’s even tried developing friendships with every girl (xcept for me of course, because he jealous 😂) in hopes to mess w our circle.

Sorry hun.

I’ve faced worst monsters than you.

I work magick to make sure your little white privelege doesn’t interfere with my plans & I’ll crush every person in my way who tries that shit with me.

I’ve already successfully removed every single white person, who’s displayed threatening tendencies towards me and my ascent.

I’ve taught the girls to channel their powers and now we dominate. Our circle of sisterhood is glowing.

Multiple men have attempted to destroy our friendships and instigate issues between us.

As men do because female friendships threaten them and I’ve successfully removed every obstacle that stood in our way about it.

But the thing that really grinds his gears ?

I know he’s jealous, because deep down inside he knows he’s been emulating a black woman his whole life and I’m the real queer queen here. The authenticity in the flesh has him shaking. He can’t handle it. 😂

Sorry bitch.

He literally shakes in my presence, or that honestly could be whatever the fuck he’s blowing up his nose.

I’m so tired of seeing him and his blown out dialated eyeballs. I already know how his story ends, I’ve already met the old white version of him.

When the sugar daddies dry up, he’ll end up working a normal ass job at the supermarket that he hates, living in a dingy ass apartment and beg to get his bussy blown out by DL black men on the reg.

[thehollowprince]

Hey Im new to skam why do people not like Skam It and Nicotino

Oh the reasons that people will give for not like Skam Italia are legion. They have a plethora of excuses, a multitude, an orgy, if you will.

"They look too old!"

"They're not affectionate enough!"

"They cast a white girl as a Muslim!"

"Whitewashing!"

"Racial slurs!"

"Martino doesn't look enough like a twink!" (actual excuse I saw)

"Its not realistic for high school students to party like that!"

"They look like models, not high school kids!"

"Blah, blah fanculo!"

I've seen these arguments in a variety of different ways and usually in conjunction with how (insert their favorite version) is so much better and obviously superior to all the others, etc.

In reality, these excuses that they use to hate on Skamit, and Nicotino in particular are just a lovely smokescreen masking their real reason for not liking it as much as the others, and that's Martino and Niccolò themselves.

I've made a few posts regarding the topic of Fetishization within the Skam fandom, particularly about Skam France and WTFOCK (Skam Belgium), and if I can remember to later, I'll like them into this post, but no promises. The point is, that there is a very large, very loud portion of this fandom in particular (and fandom in general) that fetishizes mlm sexuality. And I say fetishize because I know for a fact that 90% (if not more) of this fandom is female and if you've been in the fandom while the "Coming Out" story was airing, you'd notice a horrible trend of people just focusing on the romantic moments. There was barely a care for the actual problems that arose from being closeted or being forced to come out, unless it provided an excellent opportunity for Angst™ within the fandom. That's why everyone loved when Lucas (L.) punched a wall and hurt his hand. That's all the fandom could talk about for about two weeks.

I remember very vividly back at the beginning of Robbe's season on WTFock making a post about people only being interested in the story for the opportunity to see two boys kissing, because for two solid weeks all I saw in the tags was people demanding to know where Belgian Even was (who we later found out was Sander). That was literally the entire tag, with a few exceptions talking about how Noor made them into lesbians (different rant for another time). Further proof of this is that later on, when Robbe acted in a way that a lot of closeted guys do by lashing out, there was no sympathy from the fandom. They were calling for Sander to leave and find a love interest in Lucas (van der Heijden) on Skam Netherlands, because how dare he be mean to their poor baby! And don't even get me started on the fandom's opinion on the Broerrrs.

You may be asking yourself what any of this has to do with the fandom hating on Skamit and Nicotino, and you'd be right to ask that, because I know I can ramble a bit. But like I said above, their dislike came from Marti and Nico. A large swath of the Skam fandom just didn't like Italia because neither Fede (Martino) or Rocco (Niccolò) looked enough like the binary top-bottom stereotype they wanted in a slash ship (fans love the tol-smol trope) They couldn't project themselves onto one of them and this turn whichever one happened to be more of a twink (fandom loves twinks) into their self-insert.

They turn to the excuses I listed above as justification for not liking the show, instead of just... y'know, not watching it. They scream about a Muslim character that was a WOC in the original version of the show being played by a white woman, which is a legitimate concern (completely ignoring the fact that Islam is a religion, not an ethnicity), but then they're totally silent when a character that was black in the original show is now played by a white man. They're more concerned with poking fun at the other versions of this show because they got a new season and everyone else didn't. They kick up such a fuss about a non-hijabi playing one, but there's not a peep about straight actors playing gay roles.

My favorite excuse is the "they look like models" one, which is funny to me because people worship the Skamfr cast, who all look like they just stepped off of a runaway. Or the "too old" one, which only applies to Marti and Nico, and not to, oh, say Edoardo, whose actor was older than everyone else on the Skamit cast (if I'm not mistaken).

The real kicker is that these people claim not to watch it, or who said they didn't like it, but then throw a fit because Marti and Nico aren't ridiculously affectionate with each other, proving that all they really care about is seeing two guys kiss.

I've been in fandom a long time, so I know the signs.

Bottom line is that, while people are allowed to post whatever they want in regards to this fandom, but when they leave out Skamit and Nicotino and no one else, you know its deliberate and it feels very... exclusive. Like they're gatekeeping the fandom and I'm perfectly fine staying away from those "fans".

[arofili]

🏳️‍🌈 for sauron and maedhros if you’re still taking them?? :3c

Sauron: honestly, my thoughts on sauron’s sexuality & relationships are pretty much summed up in this post from the last ask game i did. the short version: he is the embodiment of evil twink energy. as for gender….yeah, “evil twink” pretty much sums that up too. i have…���.Thots on ainur gender in general, and while mairon is fairly femme, he’s also mostly a dude. he’s an evil gay twink willing to do whatever takes to get what he wants, and that includes shapeshifting and sleeping with people he’s not attracted to! it’s just bonus if he gets to do what he feels like doing and get what he wants.

Maedhros: [CW: the usual maedhros-related subjects. tread carefully] ooof. this is a big question. i’ve had a lot of flip flopping headcanons for him, which means i’m very open to however anyone else decides to depict him.

for gender: maedhros is trans and there’s nothing you can do about it!!! joking aside, i’m very flexible with his gender. trans guy maedhros is excellent, and i’m really fond of nb mae too, but for example in my modern au series i have him as a cis dude…but fingon is trans. so whatever i do with him, it’s highly likely there will be some trans stuff involved! so far i’ve pretty much gone with russingon where either gender doesn’t come up as a factor / he’s cis by default (boring, i know) or where one of them is trans but the other is cis. smh i should really write some russingon fic where they’re both trans! so in short: maedhros is trans, except when i don’t feel like getting into it.

as for sexuality….he’s gay, i suppose. the one time where i was presented with a situation where to depict him with a woman i literally couldn’t do it, lmao. but i also see him as arospec, somehow? probably greyro? (i actually Just read a post about this which helped me solidify that hc!) idk, i haven’t quite figured it out, i’m not sure. i think fingon is probably the only person he’s ever felt Really In Love with, but he’s had (and continues to have!) emotional attachments to other men.

after thangorodrim i think he’s caedsexual (ace due to trauma, basically) and sex repulsed for a long time. he’s still very much emotionally attached to fingon, and he wants what they had to come back, but he’s permanently altered from his experiences in angband. i do think he “gets better,” in many ways (ie, his sex repulsion is temporary/goes away after awhile for the most part, and he goes from straight up ace to more aceflux; he’s sometimes attracted to fingon and sometimes wants sex, but it’s not really reliable/consistent) but it’s not the same as it was before. fingon, of course, takes this all in stride, because he loves maedhros and respects his boundaries and is there for him in every way, pretty much.

- of course, i don’t always go with this interpretation, and a lot of the time i’m just like “they FUCK” because i want them to, but this is my main headcanon for “canon,” which honestly is quite different from “what i write usually.” but if i wrote a “this is what i think actually happened in canon” fic, not a “i want to explore this dynamic/possibility/au” fic, it would absolutely include caedsexual maedhros. and i think mae is very conflicted about this and has a lot of internal issues about being suddenly ace when he was allosexual before, even apart from the trauma of angband everything awful experienced there - with fingon, he’s on his way to some form of recovery, and then. fingon dies. and maedhros blames himself. and everything goes back to being Very Terrible. he might start using sex as a form of self harm :(

personally i’m very much squicked by dark!maedhros aus, so i don’t think he ever forces himself on anyone. he’s not the kind of person to intentionally hurt others (kinslayings aside…), even when he’s trying to hurt himself. and i’m not a fan of feanorian incest either, esp in combination with dark!mae….

as for ships: russingon is my otp obviously, but i also dabble with maedhros/azaghal (i’m a slut for elf/dwarf ships, what can i say!) and maedhros/finrod (pre-russingon) and i’m dabbling in maedhros/turgon post-nirnaeth.

so yeah, that’s a lot of me rambling on about my very favorite sad kinslayer, and in the end not saying very much at all. it’s a lot of “i like this in this context” and “this is my main headcanon but i’ve never actually written a fic with it” and “you can convince me of a lot if you write it well enough.” i guess tl;dr: gay, greyro, caedsexual after thangorodrim, trans in some way probably, but really whatever suits the story i’m working on at the moment!

[dedicatedfollower467]

DIRK’S PESTERQUEST ROUTE REACTIONS AS THEY HAPPEN

spoilers etc. yada yada yada i’ve been waiting for this for fucking EVER.

this is fucking massive, for the record.

“The one and only” lmao suuuuuuure whatever you say dirk.

i fucking adore his metal scuba suit though holy SHIT

“[talking in meatspace] isn’t exactly my forte” akdfsljkadsfhksadf you bet your ASS it isn’t mr. strider. (at this point i’m assuming this is actually hal, wouldn’t be the first time that we met “dirk” and it turned out to be hal)

the power of his own “voice” is almost too much for him MY CHILD.

OH HELLO HAL. GOOD TO SEE YOU USING YOUR USUAL RED. LOVE THE THEME MUSIC CHANGE TOO. IT’S GOOD MUSIC.

i fucking KNEW it i fucking knew that was hal lmao

so in that case HI DIRK HELLO MY ASSHOLE BABY CHILD.

“The use of the speaker system is new, but it makes sense he’d up his game for interfering with relationships I’m busy forging in 3D. I guess I should go ahead and be proud of him for it.” god i really wish dirk and hal could get along but they both hate themselves and therefore each other way too much for that...

“Every line of muscle in his body is held in excruciating placidity. You’ve never seen a jaw so purposefully unclenched” dIRK!!!!

“you’ll prove it to him with your deeds. it seems like that might be his love language” BOY FUCKING HOWDY IS IT. also how did i never put that together before ofc dirk’s love language is acts of service practically everything he does is an attempt to serve his friends in some capacity and he’s SO BAD at telling them with words.

(his secondary love language is gifts, evidence: brobot and detective pony)

god i’m so excited and so nervous lmao

i love this sprite with the verrrrrry slight smile he looks so sweet.

hell yes the fucking ROCKET BOARD.

“this is a much more comfortable thing for him than the conversation was” I’LL FUCKING BET IT IS.

“with Dirk it’s almost like he’d be less penetrable without [his shades]” oh well now THAT’S an interesting thought/observation.

holy shit that’s a cute fucking smile holy shit holy shit look at that grin AHHHH I’M DYING MY BOY IS SMILING.

“Not sure how well my deep, personal beef with the imagery of the sea will land for you, but there it is.” WELL THAT CERTAINLY MAKES THAT ONE LINE FROM HOMESTUCK 2 A LOT MORE EMOTIONAL, WHICH IT ALREADY DEFINITELY FUCKING WAS.

“Ace Attorney monologue” OMFG HAS DIRK PLAYED AA??? WHO’S HIS FAVORITE CHARACTER? WHAT’S HIS FAVORITE GAME?? i mean he’s definitely got the hair to be a fucking ace attorney character especially in pesterquest lmao

OH MY FUCKING GOD IS HE HOLDING BACK A LAUGH. IS THAT WHAT THAT MOUTH IS. HOLY SHIT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE THIS ALKJADSFLADHADS

“He’s leaning forward, laughing, dimples carved into his freckled cheeks. There’s a small twist in your heart about it, and you can’t place why.” A *SMALL* TWIST? A SMALL TWIST? TRY A TWIST THAT’S WRENCHING MY HEART WIDE FUCKING OPEN AND SPILLING ITS CONTENTS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.

“At least make me try and earn it first.” THAT’S THE MOST DIRK THING I’VE EVER HEARD AND ALSO FUCKING HEARTBREAKING WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

“I can just fold [my hand] and hope your shit works out instead.” Ah yes, dirk’s incessant and almost pathological need to be in control at work again.

“I want to be the only one in charge of endangering my own life. You got me.” oh dirk. oh honey.

“How much has this boy wanted to be known?” oh okay yeah that’s fine i didn’t need my heart anyway pesterquest, you can have it.

oh. hi ultimate dirk. i fucking knew this was gonna fucking happen.

“i can’t believe i was ever this pathetic” LEAVE HIM ALONE. (but also i know you can’t because you fucking hate yourself and it’s fucking tragic)

OH. OH OKAY WE’RE NOT JUST GONNA BE FUCKING NARRATIVE WE’RE GONNA BRING THE ACTUAL FUCKING DUDE HERE.

AND WE’RE GONNA PLAY AN OMINOUS-ASS VERSION OF "BEATDOWN” HOLY SHIT. CHRIST CAN WE GET ANY MORE HEAVY HANDED HERE????

also holy shitting christ ultimate dirk is swole. ‘twink ass bitch’ my ass, he’s at least a twunk.

“You fuck off and let people live their arcs.” NO FUCKING WAY, NOT IF HIS IS GOING TO END UP AS YOU, DICKHEAD.

“Oh fuck.

You remember it.

You remember Homestuck.”

well, probably not all of it, it’s pretty goddamn long, and very hard to remember all the details. i should know, i’m currently re-reading it.

oh no.

oh no, this looks like regular dirk but ominous “beatdown” is playing which makes me very fucking nervous.

“You cared about him before you knew every tiny fucked up detail about his life, and now, with a reminder of where his story leads leaning smugly against the railing, you find you still do.” YOU BET YOUR FUCKING ASS I DO!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

“He’s intense and pushy and profoundly complicated, and right now he is helping you to your feet, his hand steady and firm on your back as you find your balance.” I’M CRYING.

“This isn’t as simple as an evil Dirk and a good one. If you’ve learned anything from your travels it’s that everyone has the capacity for hurt inside them, and everyone the capacity for love.” I’M STILL CRYING.

“The combo of all splinters of Dirk, fermenting in his flesh container and not holding onto his shit nearly as well as he likes to pretend” an apt and succinct description of ultimate dirk.

“No, I can see it. If anyone was going to pull off an “I’m you, but stronger,” it would be all of me, combined.” DIRK I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

“Your allegiance is not to the story, but to the people within it.” A-FUCKING-MEN MSPAR!!!

“The ends always justifies the means, Dirk.” I feel like that’s the breaking point there. IDK what’s going to happen next but that line sure was a line about philosophy, aka one of Dirk’s biggest special interests.

“[Ultimate Dirk] doesn’t have to work overtime to create more pain just so he can feel like he’s in control of how much punishment he gets and how badly he deserves it!”

oh.

oh wow.

oh WOW that’s hitting it on the fucking nose, MSPAR.

“He’s going to drown in [longing and loathing and Ultimate Dirk] if you don’t do something” STOP COMING BACK TO THAT GODDAMN LINE PESTERQUEST YOU’RE FUCKING KILLING ME HERE.

“You know how he loves -- though it’s fierce (to a definite fault), he does not do it easily.” STOP MURDERING MY HEART WITH PERFECT SNAPSHOTS OF DIRK AS A PERSON EVERY TWO SECONDS MSPAR I CAN’T HANDLE IT.

AHHHHHHHH IT’S DAVE!!! IT’S FUCKING. CANDY DAVE. I JUST. I CANNOT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HOLY SHIT!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!

“you look like someone ironed the mayor so that’s a million more points in your favor” DAAAAAAVE!!!!

“Dave pulls him into a short, back-thumping bro hug which Dirk weathers like a wet cat not trusting a towel to dry him off.” AAAAAHHHHHHHH I’M FUCKING DYING I’M DYING I’M DYING HELP I’M DYING GOD HELP HOLY SHIT, FIRST OF ALL, THE SPRITE/ILLUSTRATION, SECOND OF ALL, THAT DESCRIPTION OF DIRK, THIRD OF ALL I’M FUCKING DYING

CANDY DAVE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

you deserve so much better than the raw hand the candy epilogue dealt you jfc.

“Bringing fucking guns to a knife fight here.” I mean, did you really expect MSPAR to play fair when the health and happiness of all their best friends is at stake, UD?

SAD ENDING IS SAD.

“Be good to that me, will you? Treat him right?”

dirk, this is yourself. you’ve never treated yourself right. ever. tbqh you probably never will. ultimate dirk is absolutely no different.

(but also this makes me wonder if we’re gonna see “Trust yourself” timeline Pesterquest Dirk showing up in Homestuck 2? That would be fucking wild I’d love to see that.)

“are we anti-ocean here”

“Oh yeah, extremely.”

YES, WE FUCKING ARE, AND AGAIN WITH THE REFERENCES TO HOMESTUCK 2 JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

oh, of fucking course ultimate dirk’s a sore loser, he’s ultimate dirk, fucking duh.

“You did it. You got him a good end.” i fucking love that this game is literally just. explicitly saying exactly what i was freaking over and desperately wanted.

like i’m just gonna take a moment here to admit that i was really nervous that dirk would end up like candy timeline dirk and just off himself. i was really afraid that a good end just straight up wasn’t possible.

i love that it’s not. and i equally love that the game acknowledges that a FUCKTON of us really wanted to give him that.

“Maybe [Doc Scratch] and Ultimate Dirk were working together the whole time.” maybe doc scratch has been ultimate dirk this whole time. or vice versa.

“There are just so many details to remember” lmao i made that point like a dozen paragraphs up.

i.... do not recognize the text style of whoever just say “hey. we can talk about this.”

IT’S HUSSIE. HOLY SHIT. IT’S DEFINITELY 100% HUSSIE.

i....... don’t know who that is? the woman?

is this like. the person who’s been running pesterquest?

it totally is.

i don’t know who that is i don’t know enough about the homestuck machine to know who that actually is.

lmao ultimate dirk and the irl director are fighting over how incredibly self-indulgent this metanarrative is, which is fucking amazing. i kind of love this? i really kind of adore this.

i can’t help but notice that the director has blank white eyes.

i.e. the Author is already dead, yo.

“They’re just an artifact of the medium” HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS FANTASTIC. I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN HERE.

“I’d say thanks but I feel like you all got more out of it than me” I’M DYING I LOVE THIS HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY.

“Stop flirting with my audience you anime ass motherfucker” LMAOOOOOOOO

“I wouldn’t look like this if you didn’t want me to” I KNOW I’M JUST QUOTING BASICALLY THIS WHOLE THING BUT LISTEN I LOVE IT, I FUCKING LOVE IT, IT’S FUCKING PERFECT, GOD. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS IS SO GOOD.

“I actually let the artists have a lot of creative license” somebody’s horny for ultimate dirk.

eridan DESERVES that gender arc and i’m excited for him.

“Happy people don’t get stories told about them.” I’m sorry, I’ve read enough Domestic Fluff fanfic to tell you that’s just blatantly not true, Ultimate Dirk.

wait.

wait wait wait wait.

pesterquest is a RETCON???????????

THAT was not something i was expecting

you click “don’t” betray your friends and pesterquest just fucking closes like this is fucking undertale jesus fucking christ.

but....

i don’t wanna betray my friends.

but i wanna see what happens....

god dammit this is exactly like the murder run of undertale, i don’t wanna do it but i have to know.

“Andrew Hussie would never do this to me” yeah well, Andrew Hussie barely ever interacted with you soooooo...

and if i throw the beta in the sewer again pesterquest quits. again.

i mean, i knew it would but... *sigh*

that’s a fucking depressing ass ending.

... except that “Savior of the Waking World” still hasn’t been unlocked...

Huh.

I’m... gonna see what happens if I start John’s route over again.

oh duh, of course it’s a retcon, MSPAR touched the Homestuck juju. i forgot about that.

(a big part of me wants to look up the process of getting the true ending. but a bigger part of me wants to figure it out for myself.)

hmmm. okay so replaying john’s ending once didn’t do it.

i guess i coooooould try replaying the whole thing? that sounds. like a lot of effort.

or i could try not betraying my friends approximately five million times let’s see what happens if i do that.

i’m going to do that experimenting in another post cuz this is already huge. see ya in part two.

[johnlockfeelz]

Encounters

Okay so this is my first attempt at writing a one shot, and posting it. I’m only posting it cause my friend @realrandomposts told me I should. Sorry in advance for this cringe fest you’re bout to go on!

Stiles Stilinksi knew he was gay when he was fifteen years old. Fawning over the most popular girl in school, before suddenly finding himself VERY interested in one of the lacrosse players put that into perspective rather quickly. He and his best friend Scott talked things out and came to the conclusion that Lydia was merely a crush, not even a serious one at that, whereas his crush on Danny was extremely persistent and serious.

Being gay wasn’t that hard for Stiles. Despite living in a small town, everyone was surprisingly supportive of his sexuality, especially the people that truly mattered to him, like his father and friends (Danny not so much, but only because he got annoyed with Stiles’ terrible attempts to flirt with him pretty quickly.)

Stiles worked in the local Clifton’s, which was basically Beacon Hills’ version of a Walmart, albeit a little smaller. Still had the same functions however. Stiles himself worked in the Apparel department, a department usually designated for females but Stiles supposes to the managers, a gay male is basically the same thing. Assholes.

Stiles was actually having an okay shift that day, for once. No customers being rude, not being overloaded on returns from the customer service desk, that he had to retag and fold and put back in its place.

The day went south, when he saw him. Coming in early that afternoon to start his shift, he’d just clocked in and was headed to the swinging double doors that led out to merchandise floor when what Stiles could only deduce was a god walked by him. The man had to be at least 6”2’, and a wall of pure muscle, topped with short, gorgeous dark black hair that Stiles instantly wanted to run his fingers through.

He was on his phone as he passed Stiles, so he didn’t see his eye color, but man did Stiles want to suddenly know everything about this guy. Of course, he wouldn’t though. You see Stiles is a very awkward twenty year old young man, he never grew out of that phase in his teenage years, so if Stiles found someone attractive, he made sure that said person would NEVER hear from him so that he couldn’t embarrass himself in front of them.

His method, however sad and pitiful, was working well for him until about an hour before the end of his shift that night.

Every other Apparel associate, including one of his best friends Lydia, had already left for the night. He was the only one that was scheduled to 11pm that night. He was in the women’s athletics department, fixing a rack of sports shorts, when he saw a shadow out of his left peripheral. He looked up just in case it was a customer that he had to smile politely at, and made direct eye contact with the god from the back room this afternoon. Now meeting his eyes, Stiles could see that they were a hypnotic chocolate brown that Stiles felt he could just drown in.

Upon realizing that he’d actually looked into the most attractive person he’s ever seen eyes, Stiles’ instantly widened and dropped back down to the rack he was working on, barely scraping his view across the name tag on the man’s chest that read ‘Derek’, before he fixed one last hanger and instantly flew back to the fitting room to finish cleaning the rooms, not noticing how Derek’s eyes stayed on Stiles’ figure until he disappeared around the corner.

Any day Stiles worked following that mishap, he made absolutely sure that Derek was no where to be found. He didn’t want to accidentally see him again and end up embarrassing himself in front of that beautiful man by being his awkward self, as that’s all Stiles knows how to do.

Lydia thought the situation was hilarious. “Stiles, it’s just a guy! You don’t have to avoid him like the plague.” Lydia laughed two weeks later, as she leaned against the fitting room stall, staring at Stiles on the other side as he put the phone he’d just answered back in this cradle.

“You don’t understand, Lydia!” Stiles moaned, resting his head in his hands. “I made eye contact with him! DIRECT eye contact! It should be obvious why I can never let him see me again.”

“But it’s not.” Lydia shrugged. “So what? You looked a hot guy in the eyes, it’s not like you murdered his family.”

“That’s precisely why I can’t ever let him see me again. I looked him in the eyes. A man like that, you don’t just MEET his eyes without permission. You just don’t, Lydia! He’s godly, you don’t look gods in the face and get away with it! What if he’s offended now?”

Lydia rolled her eyes, fiddling with her name badge. “Honestly Stiles, you’re thinking too much into it. You’re blowing things out of proportion.”

“Maybe I am.” Stiles responded. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop avoiding him. It’s not that hard, either. I only see him like three times a week. He’s a fresh CAP2 associate, I never deal with CAP associates.”

“Whatever.” She shook her head. “I’m headed back to the men’s basics. Jennifer wants that entire section zoned and the deeper I go into it the more I want to kill myself.”

“Wait, real quick!” Stiles called out after her, pulling the fitting room keys off his forearm and the walkie talkie out of his back pocket. “It’s time for my break, can you watch fitting room until. I get back?”

Lydia held her hand out, catching the keys as he tossed them to her, instructing him to leave the walkie in the fitting room stall.

Stiles pulled his phone out the minute he got to the break room, sitting down at an empty table. He didn’t notice the tall dark and handsome guy he’d been avoiding for weeks sitting at a table a few feet away, with a dark haired beauty right beside him. The girl followed Derek’s gaze to the brown haired little twink looking boy playing on his phone. The woman met Derek’s eyes before she motioned for him to leave, getting up and walking to Stiles’ table, plopping herself down beside him.

Stiles started as someone randomly sat down with him. He usually sat by himself, as the only person who worked at Clifton’s that he actually spoke to was Lydia, and they rarely had breaks or lunch together.

“Hi.” The woman smiled at him, making him a little uneasy. This was a woman who looked like she could easily snap his neck with one hand, and laugh as she did it. In short, she looked dangerous. “I’m Cora.”

“Nice to meet you.” Stiles said politely, setting his phone down. It’s rude to talk to someone while you’re on your phone. “My name’s Stiles.”

“Weird name.” Cora replied, popping a bubblegum bubble in his face.”

“Not as weird as my actual name. Stiles in a nickname.” he shrugged.

“Wanna be friends?” Cora asked, glancing over his shoulder as Derek slowly made his way out of the break room, stopping only to glance at the two of them curiously, trying to figure out what the hell Cora was planning.

“I mean, I doubt you’d wanna be friends with little ole me but I guess I can’t tell you no. You look like the type that wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

Cora smiled that sickly sweet, deadly (at least in Stiles’ opinion) smile again. “No, no I don’t.” she chuckled.

And that was how Stiles found most of his shifts passing by after that. Cora seemed to hunt Stiles down, just to talk to him and learn more about him. He learned more about her too. He found out her last name is Hale, and she was twenty-two years old. She was from a very large family, including a sister and a brother. She worked in the pharmacy department, but was friends with a lot of CAP2 associates and spent most of her time with them.

She learned everything there was to know about Stiles. His family and friends, his age, his history, and (most importantly to her plan), his sexuality.

“You’re gay?” Cora asked about three weeks after introducing herself to him. They were both coming back from lunch, and were headed into the back room to clock in.

“Well, yeah. I figured that was obvious. Most everyone can tell just from looking at me.” he replied, gesturing to his skinny, pale body covered in freckles. Cora smiles a secretive smile. Oh this is going perfectly well.

“How long have you known you’re gay?” she asked, leading the way past the double doors.

“Since I was-“ Stiles’ eyes widened, and he instantly ducked around the corner to the stock room, dragging Cora with him.

“Shit! What the fuck Stiles!” Cora hissed. Stiles shushed her, peeking around the corner to make sure Derek was out of sight.

“I’ve been avoiding this guy that works in Fresh CAP2 for like a month now, I’ve gotta make sure he doesn’t see me.” Stiles explained as he made sure the coast was clear and came out of his hiding spot.

“Fresh CAP....” she muttered, her eyes widening as she theorized, “Is his name Derek, by chance?”

Stiles side-eyed her as he swiped his name badge and hit the clock in button. “Yeah, you know him? Super tall, always looks broody, godly-looks.” Stiles sighed wistfully. “God, what I wouldn’t give to be his bottom.”

Cora wrinkled her nose up in disgust at his last comment, before clocking in herself. She didn’t need to know about Stiles’ fantasies about her brother. Not that he KNEW that was her brother, of course, but she still didn’t wanna hear about it.

“Wait wait wait.” What Stiles had said suddenly clicked in her brain. “If you have a crush on him, WHY are you avoiding him?”

Stiles scoffed. “I do not have a crush on him. I just think he’s very attractive. And domineering. And heaven sent. And-“ Stiles caught the look she was giving him and threw his hands up in defeat. “Okay so maybe I have a little crush on him. It’s very little though! But like, a month ago, I made eye contact with him and I’ve made sure to avoid him seeing me since.”

Cora didn’t bother to hide her confusion. “Why would you avoid him just because you guys made eye contact?” She didn’t understand honestly. What was the big deal?

Stiles bit his lip. “You see....I am a very awkward person, I’m sure you’ve discovered this by now. And I’m not really a very popular person either, or liked honestly.” Stiles bent his head down in shame. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m not worthy of his attention. Not like someone that looks like THAT would ever be interested in someone that looks like me. I know I’m extremely plain-looking. I just don’t want to get hurt by trying to talk to him, or anything and risk embarrassing myself in front of him. And I’m sure he doesn’t want some annoying ass kid bothering him either. I know I’m a bother, everyone tells me that often. I just don’t want HIM to hate me for bothering him, you know?”

If Cora wasn’t such a heartless person, she’d be heartbroken listening to Stiles rant about his worthlessness and being undeserving of an attractive person’s attention. Did he not know that Derek was crazy about him, and has been hurting for quite a bit of time, because of Stiles’ avoidance of him? Derek has ranted and raved to Cora more than once about the cute little apparel associate that stole his heart and has run like a bat out of hell at the sight of him since.

That was why she had befriended Stiles in the first place. She was determined to get to the bottom of Stiles’ apparent hate of her brother, because it hurt her to see her brother so sad over his crush hating him and wanting nothing to do with him.

“And what would you do, if that wasn’t the case?” Cora asked carefully. “What if he was interested in you?”

Stiles laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, right Cora. That’s never going to happen. And I’ve got to get back to the fitting room. I’ll see you tonight, yeah?”

She nodded in response, watching as the object of Derek’s affection jogged away so as not to get yelled at about being late by his friend Lydia.

That boy sure has a lot of self-deprecation. She thought to herself as she walked out to the produce section in search of her older brother. Maybe a nice loving boyfriend can help fix that. Once I fix this situation they’re in.

Later that night, his shift coming to a close, Stiles was almost done cleaning out the fitting rooms and locking the doors when he heard a throat clearing from the associate’s stall. “Give me just a sec, and I’ll be right with you!” He called over his shoulder, sweeping the dust off the floor into the dustpan and dumping it. He wiped his hands on his pants before turning to face the front of the stalls, ready to assist what he assumed was a customer.

His mouth went dry as he came face to face with the man he’d been avoiding for over a month. “Oh! Hi there. I-I think I hear someone calling my name so im just gonna go that way and never grace your sightagainokaybye!” Stiles spluttered, turning and getting ready to run from this situation of his own making.

“Wait!” Derek called out quickly, skirting around the stall and grabbing Stiles’ wrist before the younger man could get too far. “Why are you avoiding me.”

Stiles froze, so not ready for the Adonis to actually speak to him, let alone confront him about him dodging him. Maybe he doesn’t like being ignored? Yeah that’s gotta be it, he doesn’t like being ignored, therefore Stiles offended him.

“Ah, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you! I just didn’t think you’d want me to be anywhere near you after what I did.” he explained softly, trying to make his self seem as little as possible so as not to set Derek off and possibly make him even more upset.

Derek nearly growled in frustration, running a hand through his short hair. “What you did-Stiles, all you did was look at me! That doesn’t warrant suddenly treating me like I have contagious disease or something.”

Stiles blinked at him owlishly. “How do you know my name?” He wondered aloud. Derek sucked in a breath, almost lying and telling him he read his name badge, before hesitantly deciding to tell the truth. Might as well get the truth out there first.

“Cora.” he confessed.

“Cora?” Stiles echoed. “Has Cora been talking about me? I swear whatever she says isn’t true!”

Derek chuckled, slightly loosening his grip on Stiles’ wrist. “Cora’s my sister, Stiles. She’s heard me talking about the adorable Fitting Room Associate that seemingly hates me, and she took it into her own hands to find out why my crush was acting like I was gum on the bottom of his shoe.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Your crush?” Stiles questioned.

Derek smiles shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yes, my crush. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to talk to you for a while now, but then out of nowhere you just started avoiding me. It hurt, you know. And Cora, she’s helpful when she wants to be. So she made it her personal goal to get you to talk to me. She just told me today, why you’ve been doing it. And I wanted to tell you, you don’t have to. I’m not mad, I’m not upset, nothing. I just really want to get to know you better, and possibly have a relationship with you. I really like you Stiles, and I want a shot with you.”

Stiles felt his heart clench in his chest at the thought of his sadness. He didn’t know that he was hurting Derek the more he avoided him. That thought had never crossed his mind.

He slowly reached out and laid his hand on Derek’s that was still holding his arm. “I’m sorry Derek, I didn’t know you actually knew who I was, let alone enough for me to upset you by avoiding you. How can I make it up to you?”

The older man’s whole being seemed to glow with happiness at Stiles’ words. “How about this Friday, if we’re both off, we go to Rudy’s?” Derek asked, his tone very audibly hopeful.

Stiles’ own smile widened at seeing Derek so happy. “It’s a date.” he said slyly, meeting Derek’s beautiful brown eyes.

Looks like Stiles had his very first date coming up soon. And with a hot guy no less. He couldn’t wait to tell Lydia about this.

[greensconnor]

i’m asking about your dragon age characters

molly i would KILL for u im ur personal hitman now

anyway i said my city now because the entire bioware writing team sucks shit xoxo and i’m so much smarter than all of them but also fully incapable of having a normal amount of ocs for anything (see: the time i made 20 rwby ocs in less than two weeks) so i have. five worldstates here r some assorted thoughts

uhhh so the worldstates r as follows

eira mahariel (two-handed berserk/champ spec), rhett hawke (two-handed berserk spec), alas lavellan (mage knight enchanter spec), romanced alistair/fenris/dorian respectively

shiv tabris (dual wield duelist/assassin spec), radella “rads” hawke (mage spirit healer spec), kat adaar (two-handed reaver spec), romanced morrigan/isabela/cassandra respectively because im a pc gamer and i think i should be able to date whatever video game woman i like because im infinitely better than cishet men

this world state said yeah i respect mens rights. mens rights to shut the fuck up

twins bronson (sword/shield reaver spec) & bryant cousland (archer ranger spec), carmine hawke (archer assassin spec), syracuse trevelyan (dual wield tempest spec), romanced zevran/anora/josephine/bull. if ur wondering how that works my city now and the warden, hawke and the inquisitor should all meet and so they do because i Said So

riva amell (mage arcane warrior/battlemage spec), graham “gray” hawke (mage force spec), hellathen “hela” lavellan (archer assassin spec); romanced cullen/anders and later blackwall because hawke only likes men who will break his heart. hela doesn’t have a romance because she’s literally 20. who let her lead the inquisition (me it was me). also it should be noted the version of cullen i have in my head only vaguely resembles actual cullen because i write better than dragon age writers ever could and i gave him an Actual Cohesive Narrative and he gets bullied relentlessly for being scrawnier than his mage boyfriend

malien “mal” surana (mage spirit healer/keeper spec), jules hawke (sword/shield reaver spec), ash adaar (mage rift spec), romanced leliana/merrill/krem because i should have been able to kiss krem and its a Crime that i am not allowed to

knight enchanter is a Very op specialization and by Very op i mean it makes a mage with their built-in low constitution stats able to solo the biggest baddest dragon in the game on nightmare mode in under five minutes so like. alas lavellan fist fights dragons for fun send tweet

i think lavellans should be able to hit ppl with bricks for all the shit they endure. thus solas gets pranked by mahariel and alas by which i mean they just tip buckets of water onto him from the rookery

kat might be my only competent inquisitor but she did also try to knock out the right hand of the divine and attempt to gap even tho there’s fucky magic burning up her hand so does she have a brain cell? you decide

also its fantasy land and i do what i want so kat has blue/gold sectoral heterochromia

gray “mage rights” hawke is best friends with fenris which surprises literally everyone. their friendship started because they got into a fist fight and then they were like okay i respect u now. hawke is like hey fenris give me ur sword i have a fun trick to show u [uses his sword as a foci to zap carver in the ass with lightning]

i am Always thinking abt like how cullen could have been one man anti-chantry propaganda machine if he hadn’t so blatantly been shoehorned into every game past origins so anyway bioware forgot about a wholeass moon i can write what i like. [holds up cullen by the scruff of his stupid armor] not only are you bisexual you are also a bottom

i also Hate the whole uwu mage haters get fixed by romancing a mage

unlocked secret dialogue option where my inquisitors verbally cuss out dorian’s dad instead of whatever sympathetic narrative the writers were going for cuz its bullshit.

riva is a showoff and a Menace about being as good as he is because he unabashedly loves being a mage and hes like oooh look at me im sexy i dont need to use my hands to cast magic because i’m just that good ;)) and you know what. hes right.

gray, on the other hand, does Not want to be mage. he wants to be a druffalo farmer and retire in the hinterlands and be left the fuck alone. unfortunately he is gay and has one brain cell and terrible, terrible taste in men. ribbed relentlessly for this by riva (altho does he have room to talk hes been hung up on cullen since he was like 13)

shiv is trans n kieran is the result of doing the dark ritual with her wife and he looks a Lot like shiv (dark skin pointed ears, shock-white hair) and morrigan always just Assumed she dyed it or did something magic with it so seeing their kid come out like that was a WEIRD time for her

leliana almost Murdered by cassandra in worldstate 5 because the warden is Actually There The Whole Time, but its been 10 years, mal’s cut off all her hair and gotten full facial tattoos and she’s like “no one will know its me its fine” and she’s right. she gets away with it. only cullen like, Knows, because he knew her before the blight but he doesnt have a death wish n he like. will Not piss her off

shes dalish by birth n she was stolen from her clan by templars and thus is vehemently anti-circle and anti-chantry in general

uhhh the vallaslin (elf face tattoos) of my 4 dalish characters are:

eira = ghilan’nain (chose em cuz shes rlly interested in the navigation aspect of the goddess)

alas = falon’din (god of the dead n he picked them because he’s Also the god of fortune and alas is like tee hee fun but also he can and will kill u if u fuck with him so yk its fitting)

hela = june (god of the craft bc she likes to Make things but june is also the god who taught the elves 2 hunt and hela is. a hunter.)

mal = elgar’nan (allfather/god of vengeance bc. she is Vengeful. she is Angry. but yk fucking with shem politics and fucking their divine is like. mal may have little a retribution. as a treat.) yes she has the full half-face solid colour tattoo she does NOT fuck around.

bronson and bryant r not genetically identical but they Look similar enough 2 anyone who doesn’t know them well enough 2 play spot the distance. anora and bronson think this is a super fun game to play, especially when nobles realize they’ve swapped out the king but they’re too nervous to say anything

eira mahariel has two hands. one is for holding hands with alistair and the other is for throttling elven gods, apparently. she’s killed one before so solas she’s coming for your bitch ass next. watch urself.

speaking of eira and alistair are married thru dalish tradition and humans don’t recognize it n alistair loves 2 re-propose to her with random things. he’ll just pick up like. a bit of cheese and be like “marry me ;)” and she’s like GASP but whatever will the chantry say!!!! all of their friends r sick of them

“vhenan if you love me bring me a sword” “you think i could do better than a sword made out of space rock?” “:)”

eira is my youngest hero at 18 at the start of her game and kat is my oldest at 32 at the start of her game.

none of my hawkes are under six foot. rhett is the tallest (6′8″) and rads is the shortest (6′2″).

syracuse trevelyan would have been the Perfect inquisitor if he were not a pretty boy himbo and a gay bastard who does Most Things just to spite his parents.

[corypheus pointing at syracuse’s visage in his crystal orb thingo] i want that twink obliterated

i love the companions from older games return thing i truly do so i make it a point for Every companion to return in inquisition so the gang rlly is all here because i am a Slutte for found family

i lie in my keep worldstates because i dont want to choose between hawke and alistair during here lies the abyss but i never make him king and every time i play inquisition and cole has the wicked grace line it makes me Scream. alistair baby im so sorry i did this to you but i didnt actually do this to you

yes this is my everyone lives au but like. all the time. i have never left hawke in the fade and i do not intend to.

fuck whatever nonsense about wardens not being able 2 have kids. by sheer divine power (me) anora and bryant have three daughters; eleanor, sabina & cecelia n both bronson and zevran make Excellent uncles because i think anora deserves good things because i’m tired of bioware being like women bad, actually,

so like most of the time i have the warden & hawke turning up after the move to skyhold n then staying on, with the exception of bryant, carmine & mal. mal is as mentioned previously just There the whole time with her girlfriend. bryant steps in as king of ferelden w/ interests in closing the big hole in the sky spewing demons in2 his kingdom yk. carmine shows up because she wants to help & she wants protection for bethany but she outright says she’d rather die than be inquisitor so cassandra is shit out of luck.

“CHANGE HER MIND VARRIC” “she once doubled down on insisting amaranth was a shade of blue because she didn’t want to admit to being wrong. no one’s changing her mind seeker”

alas is the middle child of eight and is thus very good with children and also bossing around people older than him. 2 of his older siblings come to the inquisition when stuff in wycome has been settled

i left ash with the basic canon background with Some variation (he grew up under the qun and left of his own free will when his magic was discovered n he realized he couldn’t take living as a saarebas

kat on the other hand was raised tal-vashoth and has bounced around basically all over thedas and leads her own merc company when the conclave blows up. she also speaks multiple languages. is there a language she doesn’t speak? probably not

just realized how long this got so im gonna like. stop my general rambling now but lmao yeah theres some basics. waves hands.

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Gormless Ch. 9 -  Maccon’s into violence, hypocrisy, raceplay, but worst of all progressive politics.

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband.  In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England.  Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag.  She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon.  He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok.  Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything.  Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government.  She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, and she is doing a bad job at it.  They are at her husband’s old pack castle about it.  Are they hiding something?????

Chapter 9 – Maccon’s into violence, hypocrisy, raceplay, but worst of all progressive politics.

So off to dinner we go!  They talk about what a FRIGHTFUL sight it was that Alexia didn’t style and unfrizz her hair before going down to dinner with such dramatic terms that make me wanna gag. But I went from that to barfing myself inside out when I read the following line about Alexia’s frizzy hair:

“Lord Maccon adored it.  He thought she looked like some exotic gypsy and wondered if she might be amendable to donning gold earrings and dancing topless about their room in a loose red skirt…”

GOD DAMN AUTHOR!  We went from some poor choices but plausible deniability to straight up…

Like a lot of my racism complaints are subjective and nit-picky I will give you that.  But the author done goofed good and fucking proper with that line jesus fucking Christ.

GY*SIES IS A SLUR, AND ROMANI WOMEN ARE NOT ~EXOTIC~ SEXUAL OBJECTS! GOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK YOURSELF!

I could fume about that fucking egregious shit the rest of the day but let’s try to distract myself with the parts of this story that aren’t openly racist.

At dinner, LeFoux is talking to some nerd about nerd shit.  Ivy is trying to talk about fish to some dude even though both of them don’t know anything about fish.  There’s a bit of drama when Lady Kingair (aka Sidheag) allows Maccon to sit in the Alpha seat, which TO BE FAIR is kinda bullshit, but the drama dissipates with a harmless distraction.  There is a brief interaction between Alexia and Maccon on the subject of the Tunstell/Ivy drama.  Maccon says they’re a bad match and Alexia agrees DESPITE THE FACT SHE LEGIT TRIED TO HOOK UP THE TWO AT THE END OF THE LAST BOOK BUT THAT’S FINE! Maccon ends the conversation about this slipshod ship-fest by sighing out a perplexed…

“Women”

Maccon you’re literally agreeing with a woman right now!  Boy howdy am I getting increasingly sick of how Maccon uses that word. If a male partner of mine used that word (woman) the way Maccon uses it (as this bullshit signifier that #yesallwomen are so hard to understand and difficult to deal with) I would uppercut him in the fucking taint.

CAN YOU BE ANGRY ABOUT THE ACTUAL CONTENT OF THE STORY FAPS INSTEAD OF THESE THROW-AWAY LINES THAT YOU’RE OVERANALYZING!

BLATANT RACISM AND SEXISM AREN’T THROW-AWAY LINES, BUT YOU BET YOUR ASS I CAN BE MAD AT MORE STUFF! I AM ALWAYS HUNKERING TO ANGRY IT UP!

There’s a point where they call Alexia curse-breaker multiple times (cause she’s a soulless that can negate the powers of the supernatural.)  Ivy and Felicity have no idea what that means and don’t know Alexia is a soulless but nobody bothers to inform them.  I don’t know if this is going to be a conflict at some point or not.

Alexia then has to ~make a fuss~ by asking them about the humanization problem. They act like she is breaking some taboo, but honestly I don’t understand why.  They’re having a problem; it’s her and Maccon’s job to solve the problem, so they should ask about it so they can solve it right? Also these Scottish folks seem much more down to earth and don’t subscribe to the stuffy social mores of British society. So it’s dumb that they act as if Alexia is rudely asking why cousin Larry has two weeping pussies where his ears should be, while jabbing at them with a pencil, and making sexist jokes about it.

But she doesn’t ask questions that are going to be useful until a few pages into this conversation which means just in time for the author to avoid it with a distraction.  I have a feeling the author is going to do the same thing in this book that she did last book.  Started with a mystery, dances around it for the vast majority of the book without adding much to it, and just ¾ the way in the book SUDDENLY SHIT HITS THE FAN ALL AT ONCE AND IT’S REAL DUMB!

So it’s now after dinner and the men and women are separated to chit-chat. Alexia starts quizzing Lady Kingair. Lady Kingair says she wishes she could be a full blooded werewolf.  The only werewolf within a zillion miles who is powerful enough to turn someone into a werewolf is Lord Maccon, cause of course it is.    But Maccon doesn’t want to try to turn her because she’s his last heir and women very rarely survive the transformation.  

Which like, there’s no reason so far why the werewolf club has to be vast majority male.  No ALL MEN orgies, and no SINCE YOU’RE THE ONLY GIRL WE’VE SEEN IN 80 YEARS ALL OUR ERECTIONS POINT TO YOU FEMALE PROTAG!  Perhaps there is some plot point later on.  But honestly? I suspect it comes down to the bias that simply werewolfism is considered a male phenomenon. You can read all sorts of analyses of this but basically it comes down to that men are supposed to have a violent, animalistic nature that they try to suppress.  But women aren’t supposed to be angry, powerful, uncontrollable, or like worst of all HAIRY!  So I don’t want them even as no-name background characters yuck!

Also, oddly enough, last book they said that werewolves sought out actors, and arty types cause they seemed more likely to survive the transformation. Creativity is tied to ~extra soul~ or whatever.  So I want to know why all these werewolves are dim-witted, gruff, military philistines instead of sweet, sensitive, arty twinks, smooching each other?  Is it cause her type is gruff meathead and like an idiot she outright contradicted her own story for no particular reason?

SEEMS SO! GOD I WANT A CASTLE FULL OF HAIRY BESTIAL WOMEN AND/OR CUTE SENSITIVE TWINKS! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

Nothing else really comes out of the conversation with Lady Sidhaeg Kingair and thankfully we’re saved from that conversation by the sounds of the men folk fighting.

Maccon is fighting with the current beta.  Maccon wins, cause of course he does.  They both grumble bitterly at each other for BETRAYAL and nothing is revealed. Like I am glad there was action, but this was so limp and tepid.  It could have easily been dramatic and they should have revealed something, especially considering they dump the whole story at the end of this chapter.

So Alexia takes him upstairs for fade to black SEX, cause of course she does. Like I won’t kink-shame much, but getting all hot that your husband beat up another dude who is clearly weaker than him for no real reason is bogus yo. A thousand kink-shames upon you.

Afterwards Maccon FINALLY fucking explains something.  He says the reason why he left the Kingair pack is because everybody in the pack was planning to kill the queen of England and didn’t tell him about it.  They’re Scottish and Supernaturals and APPARENTLY the crown hates both of those things.  She appoints Scottish and Supernatural people to the highest places on her court and we have not seen any oppression but just trust us okay.  They kept it from Maccon, because Maccon is a ~progressive~ and thought killing the queen would be a bad idea.  He believes this because the Queen is giving Supernaturals more rights and that if they kill her that it would make Supernaturals look real bad and innocent Supernaturals would be targeted.

That’s a reasonable fear, and honestly since we’re supposed to be on Maccon’s side she doesn’t really try to explain the other side.  Like was it supposed to be a military Coup so that werewolves would be in charge of Britain, since the military is made up of werewolves? Cause that’s honestly pretty fucking interesting.  I know the author says there are a lot more humans than werewolves…but I don’t know why they would fear much of a backlash if they all have superpowers, lots of the money, and are the ENTIRE military.  The fucking Spartans quelled every slave uprising even though slaves vastly outnumbered their military cause their military was trained as hell. Those masc 4 macs thug bros weren’t even able to turn their faces into dog faces.

Also Maccon’s feelings were really hurt when they were going to kill the queen with poison.

“Poison is for bitches amirite?” Maccon laughs misogynistically.  Alexia chuckled in kind and sprinkled something in Maccon’s 5th glass of Scotch.  As he dies in agony Alexia licks her fingertips in triumph. Oops they still had poison on them and she dies.  LeFoux travels to reality and she has the good sex with me. The End!

Okay that exchange didn’t happen, I just wish it did.

So anyway due to the ~betrayal~ Maccon left his pack and it really fucked his pack a big one because nobody was powerful enough to turn other people into werewolves so their pack couldn’t grow and outsiders were disinterested in serving them.  (BTW humans who serve werewolf packs in exchange for being turned into werewolves are called Clavigers in this book.) But this was their punishment for betraying him.  Not punishment for the high treason of attempting to murder a queen and thus throwing the entire country into violent chaos which could have resulted in millions of deaths. The focus for the punishment is highlighted as Maccon’s feelings were hurt.

I have a million questions about this situation but I can forgive the author for not going into more detail. This is a fluff story and doesn’t need to be bogged down with politics.  I can’t help but be  frustrated because the author doesn’t give anything of substance, so when something mildly interesting happens I want to latch onto it but it’s just plywood stuck to a cliff with bubblegum, it ain’t gonna hold my weight.

Thus I plummet back into the pit of frivolousness, hoping futilely there maybe something enjoyable I can grab in order to save my sanity from this stack of bullshit.

PS – I’m way into the fact that the thing they did reveal is not relevant to the actual conflict at the center of this book.

LOVE THAT!

PPS – The fight should have had the Beta forcefully removed from the fight. That he thrashes against another werewolf about how ineffectual Maccon is.  That he has all sorts of strength, power, and money but he’s just a complacent lapdog.  Since he has been dubbed ‘one of the good ones’ he’ll let the less fortunate ones of his race rot while he nibbles pheasant in his castle.  Maccon fires back how hypocritical it is to say you want what’s best for werewolves/Scottish folks while picking fights and putting the less fortunate on the line.  That he’s proving to the kingdom that werewolves are valuable by being a good example and working within the power structure to help his own kind. Afterwards Maccon goes back to his room physically and emotionally exhausted, and cuddles with his wife while he explains the backstory. He cries over his guilt of hurting his pack, and wonders if what he is doing is the right thing.

Problem with that is it doesn’t make the conflict easy to understand and cut and dry.  It also makes Maccon emotionally vulnerable…which like I’M INTO but seems as if it’s not the author or this set of reader’s fetish.

Say something nice Faps:

After pulling teeth for a book and a half we learn something about Maccon.  And it’s actually potentially interesting.

Ivy’s back and forth about her lack of knowledge about fish was genuinely cute and funny.

[skyecrandall]

Thank You N*** writers

This post is a big thank you to all of you writers who helped me censor a piece of my writing.  Here is the result of what your suggestions led to. And as an extended thank you gift, I’m going to share the whole scene with you all.

So if you were one of those writers who helped me or are just plain curious about what I wrote, click the keep reading. Be warned that this extract does not describes any n*** acts however it is implied that such event happened. Read at your own discretion.

From where is it: 100 Days (as of version 0.2) , its a game of mine

How to trigger it? : Slums -> Thomas (appears during the afternoon) -> Working with Ammarilyse.

Requirements: Quest 2 accepted. Ammarilyse event 1 complete.

Words: 806 words

Note: $PCname is the variable I use for the player character’s name.

"You want me to do what?" exclaimed a shocked Thomas.

"But then again... escorts are also workers and deserve as much respect as other bread winning jobs. Okay, I'll try it," he continued, more determined than before.

"I'll do anything to ensure that Yosophe is safe," he added as the two of you set off to meet Ammarilyse at her hunting spot.

"So, you want me to take this twink under me? But why should I? I don't owe you anything, $PCname," asked Ammarilyse, clearly reluctant to take Thomas with her.

You were about to try convincing Ammarilyse when Thomas unexpectedly jumped forward.

"Please! I need your help. I badly need right now and you are one of my only options remaining. I'll do anything if you hire me," begged Thomas who bowed before Ammarilyse.

"Anything you say? Well I want you to call me Mistress as of now," smirked Ammarilyse, intrigued by the younger man's proposition.

"Understood Mistress. When shall we begin then Mistress," replied the green haired man with a smile on his face.

"Hold your horses. I still need to assess you to be able to maximise profit. First up, you're legal at least? Thomas was it?" asked the courtesan.

"Yes Mistress. I'm turning 22 later this year," replied almost robotically Thomas.

"Good. Really good actually. People love young people. Your lean figure might not be one people request a lot but we can manage. Your soft facial features could also bring you quite an audience. You look like a lost lamp and some people crave these types of escort. However your green hair might be a huge turn off for most people. Freaks and adventurous people would really like at least. So yeah, there is room for improvement but we can work with what we have," noted Ammarilyse, as she scrutinised the younger man.

"Oh, I forgot the most important thing. Do you have any experience in the domain? Solo adventures do not count," continued the escort, earning a deep blush from Thomas.

"I thought so. Listen kid... do you really want your first time to be like this? Wouldn't you prefer experience it with someone you love first?" she said, still staring at Thomas.

"Or maybe $PCname is willing to give you a hand since the two of ou seem so close," snickered Ammarilyse.

"No. I don't care. I don't mind my first time to be a stranger. What matters the most right now is that Yosophe is free, the fastest possible. I'll do anything that I can to help my sister," replied Thomas with a determined glare, one so intense Ammarilyse ended up surprised.

"Fine then. To respect your determination I'll take you up. However...there is no going back. I hope you understand," replied the woman in red, earning her a nod from Thomas.

"Then let's go. I have an appointment fixed in 20 minutes. This will be your test. $PCname, meet us back here in 2 hours," said Ammarilyse as she walked away with Thomas following her.

It was the first time that you've seen Thomas this determined. The Thomas you usually know is a huge coward who would try and run away from any obstacles in his path. It is good for him that he finally learnt to be a bit more courageous however you still couldn't help but feel worried. To distract yourself you decided to head over to the Drunk Dog Tavern and chat with the locals.

Once the time has come, you left for the rendezvous spot you and Ammarilyse agreed on. However they were running late. Neither of the two had come yet. Several minutes later, they still hadn't arrived when a carousel stopped in front of you and out of it came Ammarilyse, with an unconscious and barely clothed Thomas over her shoulders.

"Thank you Benny dearie. You were such a sweetheart for giving us a ride back. I hope that the remainder of your day goes well," she waved as the carousel departed.

"Wow, he really is pitiful. He choked on the job... What an amateur, seriously. Even for a virgin that was a little embarrassing," mocked the courtesan.

"Whatever, gives me an excuse to take an extra piece from his share,” she continued, dropping Thomas into your lap along with a little pouch of what you assume is his payment.

“This life isn’t for him. He needs something else. Something that doesn’t involve... you know." winked Ammarilyse.

"Still... He is a good kid. Take care of him $PCname. His desperation could cause him to be involved into unfortunate things, and it would be a shame to lose someone this pure," she said before walking away.

You then spent the next hour looking after the sleeping Thomas and once he woke up, you tried to console him and stop him from crying.

Also since I haven’t really written any choices ( I only have 1 fic being planned in my head right now, however nothing written yet) . I’m going to submit this piece of writing for the WIP tag game that @teamtomsato tagged me in.

[acsversace-news]

Editor’s Rating: ★★★☆☆

In an episode that is so steeped with terrazzo floors, bulbous gold watches, and even servants’ uniforms that are chicer than anything I could pull out of my closet, there is one image that I just can’t get out of my head: old men in tiny red bathing suits. Seriously, what the hell is up with that? There’s at least three of them in the premiere of The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story. I think it might be a hint the next season of Ryan Murphy’s other shows. Stay tuned this fall for American Horror Story: Thongs.

Seriously, though, this first episode of Versace is absolutely gorgeous. Just think about all of the lush images that pop out of the screen like an IMAX version of a Vogue issue. There’s the elegant pool of the opera singer’s sequin dress as she belts on stage. There’s Gianni Versace (Edgar Ramírez), delicately sipping his espresso from a black gilded cup, shot from above so his breakfast table is just off center of the Medusa logo that he made famous. There’s the hollow chime of crystal champagne flutes clinking together on the set at the opera. There’s Gianni’s sister Donatella (Penélope Cruz), with that famous platinum hair and doorknocker of a nose standing at the top of a little portico. And let us not forget that perfect peach emoji of an ass as Andrew Cunanan (Darren Criss) strides into his roommate’s husband’s closet to steal a suit.

Oh, there’s just so much beauty! So many surfaces! It’s fitting for a story about a man who made his fortune creating beauty and cultivating the world around him in his own image. And the cinematography has that round golden glow one can only find from the light in Miami. But when we’re looking under all of those surfaces, it’s unclear if there is anything there yet.

It is an interesting choice to start the series with Versace’s murder, as we watch that day unravel much as it did in 1997 with the mourning of a fashion icon happening at the same time as a statewide manhunt for his killer. We only get one real flashback, to Cunanan and Versace’s first meeting in San Francisco when the designer was in town to design the costumes for the opera. Cunanan tracks Versace down to the VIP section of a gay club and slowly weasels his way into the designer’s orbit. Versace is totally disinterested at first, batting this cute twink away with the same forceful courtesy that he uses to deny an autograph seeker.

Cunanan is charming, however. He uses his skills as a liar and his knowledge of Versace to charm him with stories about his parents moving from Italy, weaseling his way not only into both a seat next to him (savagely dispatching his friend with the VIP pass to get him a drink), but also into a date with the designer. In these flashbacks, we also learn that Cunanan will lie about things large and small, like when he erroneously retells his story to his girlfriend and her husband, or his school friend.

The scene with his gay friend at school is the most revealing when the friend tells Andrew, “You tell gay people you’re gay and straight people you’re straight.” Rightfully, he’s confused about Cunanan and his ever-changing stories of himself, ones that crop up to serve whatever need arises at that minute. (That didn’t confuse me, though. I was just confused by how those glasses without temple bars managed to stay on his face without falling off.) Cunanan’s answer to his friend? “I tell people what they need to hear.” Yup, that seems to fit the profile.

That is just one of the moments in this episode that seem a little bit on the nose. The whole opening is a tad bit obvious, where Versace swans around his house in his pink robe while his killer walks into the surf wearing all of his clothing (a mark of a true mad man) screaming the whole time. Versace is sunning himself by his tiled pool while Cunanan is puking in a dirty public restroom with “Filthy Faggots” scrawled on the wall.

Then, of course, there is Gianni’s corpse with the bullet through his cheek, lying next to the dead dove that is similarly afflicted. Yes, people, we get it. What about when Andrew hears the news of Versace’s murder in the lobby of a fancy hotel and then watches a woman’s shocked reaction and mimics it perfectly? He doesn’t know emotion. He doesn’t know anything real.

But the most glaringly obvious symbolism is when Gianni’s partner Antonio D’Amico (Ricky Martin) tries to follow Donatella into a family meeting and she literally shuts the door in his face. Oh, I wonder what’s going to happen to him during the rest of the season?

Antonio definitely gets the worst scenes of the whole night, especially his grilling by Det. Scrimshaw (Will Chase), who you know is a jerk because he has a mustache. Scrimshaw’s casual homophobia and disregard for Antonio’s feelings after the loss of his partner and his callous disregard for a non-monogamous, non-heterosexual relationship is pretty disgusting. Just as The People v. O.J. Simpson asked us to reexamine the issues of race, gender, and celebrity surrounding that case, it seems like this season is going to ask us to reexamine how Versace, Cunanan, and D’Amico’s sexual orientation factored into this case. In no place was it more obvious than these unsettling scenes.

It’s also obvious in the way that Donatella treats Antonion, and how she’s fixated not just on preserving her brother’s saintly image but also the family business. She says she doesn’t want to talk to the board so soon after her brother has been gunned down in front of his house, but there she is, doing just that. She also shoots down taking the company public just days after her brother signed the papers to do just that. Donatella says she wants what her brother wanted, but it’s clear that she has a separate agenda all of her own as well.

From this first episode, ultimately, I’m curious to wonder how the series will unfold. Will we see things in 1997, as the cops and FBI continue to hunt for Cunanan, alongside flashbacks to how we got here? Or are we going to take a giant leap backwards and start with both Cunanan and Versace’s beginnings to show us what led the murder in the first place? The structure is still unclear, but it doesn’t seem like there is enough meat left for 10 episodes set just in 1997. Or is there? Will the reexamination of this case reval details that those of us who lived through it aren’t even aware of? Or is it just taking the facts and putting them in a dramatic light? We won’t find out until we delve beneath the surface, something that hasn’t quite happened yet. But, man, what a very gorgeous surface it is.

[shadowvalkyrie]

As a long-time fan of the Outlander book series, my relationship with the TV version has been... conflicted (at best) from the start.

I hate the casting -- and not just because the characters don’t look like I pictured them. That would be silly. Every reader has a different version in their head after all.

To some degree it’s because most of the characters look nothing like they are described in the books: Claire is supposed to be at least chubby, if not downright fat. Instead they cast a literal runway model to play her. And whatever weird things costuming does to her hair, it certainly isn’t naturally curly. Dougal is at least two decades older than he should be. And wasn’t Geillis supposed to be a blonde bombshell rather than a skinny redhead? John is described as a pretty little twink with blond curls, but instead they made him almost as tall as Jamie, middlingly handsome in a far too modern way, and the average 18th ct dude would not be caught dead with that hair. Meanwhile, Hal is only slightly older and supposedly looks similar to him, but instead they cast someone much older with a weird, plasticy face and zero family likeness. I could go on, but I think you catch my point.

The thing is, I could easily see beyond superficial looks if it was just that, but the real problem lies way deeper. Apart from one or two exceptions (Jamie being the most prominent one), the actors don’t really convey the personalities their characters have in the books.

Book!Claire is a fierce, charismatic presence, charming, caring and intelligent, but with the voice and demeanour of a drill sergeant in an emergency, and just about zero respect for propriety or the rank of those around her. You can easily see why people believe that she is a witch or a faerie woman, and why the other characters either love or hate her. Show!Claire has none of that. Instead of commanding, her aggressive lines comes off as hysterical, and she simply lacks the charisma to believably be in charge of people. She projects “victim” and “damsel” in every direction, not “protagonist”. Same with John. In the books, he’s witty and charming and has a hot temper under his calm surface. One the show, he comes off as awkward and stiff and vaguely boring. The same goes for other characters. And since it’s not just a few cases, but across the board, I don’t blame the actors, but definitely the casting.

In addition to that pet peeve, I finally realised what it is that has been bothering me about the writing.

It was harder to figure out because the plot and dialogue are very close to the books, sometimes verbatim. And sure, they focused more on the personal relationships than the plot, but whether or not that’s a bad choice is just a matter of taste. So why did it feel like a central part of the appeal was missing?

Well, what is the defining personality trait all the main characters share? A sense of humour. Whether it’s Jamie’s dark self-deprecation, John’s shrewdly observant sarcasm, or Claire’s appreciation for situational irony, they all have wonderfully funny narrative voices and a wealth of genuinely hilarious one-liners. (It certainly isn’t a surprise that the least popular characters are the ones that take themselves painfully seriously. Especially Willie. Seriously, with dads like John and Jamie, what went wrong to make that boy such a humourless moper?) 

Which makes it baffling that humour is the exact trait that is practically nowhere to be found on the show. As a result, everything comes off as either gratingly tedious or embarrassingly melodramatic. Instead of the characters’ innate capacity for amusement and the situational irony of the plot, they inserted painfully formulaic comic relief that feels flat and out of place.

And I’m afraid that while I can overlook the horrible casting choices and occasionally cringe-worthy costumes, this lack of humour is the one thing I cannot forgive this show. I just hope that watching it makes a lot of people discover the books instead.